Pastor Woke Feelgood of the Progressive Pines Adventist Church has declared the long-standing Adventist doctrine of the Investigative Judgment to be “too judgmental” and “not inclusive enough.”
“We need to create a safe space for all believers, not just those who can pass some cosmic inspection,” Pastor Feelgood stated during his sermon last Sabbath. “The idea that God is going through our records with a fine-tooth comb is simply too stressful for our modern sensibilities.”
Instead of the traditional understanding, Pastor Feelgood proposed a new concept he calls the “Affirmative Appraisal,” where God simply gives everyone a participation trophy for trying their best.
“Jesus said ‘Judge not, lest ye be judged,'” Pastor Feelgood explained, conveniently ignoring context. “So why would He engage in judgment Himself? It’s time we update our theology for the 21st century.”
The congregation, consisting mostly of millennials and their emotional support animals, responded with enthusiastic snapping of fingers to avoid triggering those sensitive to loud clapping.
When reached for comment, local conference officials sighed deeply and muttered something about “the last days” before declining to provide an official statement.
At press time, Pastor Feelgood was seen replacing all instances of “judgment” in the church’s Bible study guides with “group hug.”
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