Local Elder Mistakes Sermon Notes for Shopping List, Preaches About Almond Milk

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In a mix-up at Nutsberry Seventh-day Adventist Church last Sabbath, Elder John Smith accidentally grabbed his wife’s shopping list instead of his sermon notes. The congregation was treated to an unexpectedly passionate discourse on the virtues of almond milk.

Highlights of the Sermon:

– “Brothers and sisters, let us turn our attention to the smooth, creamy texture of righteousness!”
– “Just as almond milk comes in many varieties, so too does God’s love come in many forms.”
– “Remember, the kingdom of heaven is like unsweetened almond milk – it may seem bland at first, but it’s good for you!”

Church member Sarah Johnson commented, “I’ve never been so spiritually moved by dairy alternatives before. I’m seriously considering switching from oat milk now.”

The mix-up wasn’t realized until Elder Smith reached the end of the list and solemnly intoned, “And finally, brethren, don’t forget the toilet paper.”

Despite the confusion, attendance for next week’s sermon, titled “The Parable of the Lost Car Keys,” is expected to be at an all-time high.


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