New Adventist Dress Code Bans Anything More Stylish Than a Muu-Muu

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SILVER SPRING, Md. – The General Conference Modesty Committee has issued a new dress code policy banning any clothing deemed too fashionable or stylish for faithful Adventists. The policy, titled “A Rebuke Against Sartorial Vanity,” declares that all members must dress in a manner “devoid of any hint of trendiness or self-expression.”

Under the new guidelines, approved garments for women are limited to muu-muus, muu-muu-inspired shifts, and denim jumpers with a minimum two-inch gap between thigh and hem. Men’s options include plain pocket t-shirts (no v-necks), plain slacks with room for “two fists on each thigh,” and sandals with socks.

“We cannot tolerate our members dressing in a way that draws even the slightest attention to themselves,” said Delphi Frump, chair of the Modesty Committee. “Our pioneers wore the same modest, Christlike patterns for decades. If it was good enough for them, it’s good enough for us.”

The policy also bans any accessories that could be considered decorative, including jewelry, makeup, and jaunty pocket squares. Hairstyles are restricted to a simple bun for women and a tidy, uniform bowl cut for men.

Church leaders emphasized the new rules are backed by Scripture. “The Bible is clear – we are to avoid the very appearance of being well-dressed,” said Elder Amos Drabbington. “The way we look should always project an absolute disdain for all things fashionable or remotely interesting.”

Some progressive Adventists have pushed back, arguing the new policy is out of touch and sends the wrong message about self-worth. But Frump dismissed those concerns: “Looking good leads to feeling good about yourself, which breeds pride. And we all know pride goeth before a fall…into the pit of eternal burnination.”


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