San Antonio declared Blue Zone as Adventist centenarians arrive for General Conference

SAN ANTONIO, Texas — A team of National Geographic reporters has declared San Antonio a Blue Zone as scores of centenarians have descended upon the city for the Seventh-day Adventist Church’s Read more […]

San Antonio mayor declares city meat-free zone during GC Session

SAN ANTONIO, Texas — “I realize this will be an adjustment,” said San Antonio Mayor Ivy Taylor, announcing to local reporters that she was declaring San Antonio a meat-free zone for the period Read more […]

Adventist denomination opens sports bar next to world headquarters

SILVER SPRING, Md. — With decisions about future policy looming, thereā€™s one thing General Conference officials can agree about: building The Fellowship Hall, a unique Adventist ā€œsports Read more […]

Donald Trump to explain immigration remarks at Montemorelos, Adventist University in Mexico

NEW YORK CITY, N.Y. — In an attempt to brandish his foreign policy credentials and limit the damage from his comments about immigration from Mexico, Donald Trump has announced a tour of Mexico Read more […]

Heritage Singers announce recall of “most embarrassing” album covers

PLACERVILLE, Calif. — “We should have done this years ago,” admitted a somber Max Mace to Adventist reporters this morning, “Today the Heritage Singers are announcing a recall of all of our Read more […]

Ellen G. White chosen as new face of $10 bill

SILVER SPRING, Md. — A massive lobbying effort launched by the Seventh-day Adventist Church to put Ellen G. White on new $10 bills has paid off. Less than a week after news from the US Treasury Read more […]

Starbucks launches “Happy Sabbath” decaf coffee for GC San Antonio

SAN ANTONIO, Tex. — With two weeks to go before the Seventh-day Adventist Church commences its General Conference Session in San Antonio, coffee chain Starbucks has announced plans to mark the Read more […]

Dwight Nelson calls Donald Trump’s hair/presidential announcement “sign of the times”

BERRIEN SPRINGS, Mich. — Pioneer Memorial Church Senior Pastor Dr. Dwight K Nelson launched a scathing rebuke of real estate and entertainment mogul Donald Trump’s presidential campaign announcement Read more […]

Jurassic World “tithes” $50M to Southwestern Adventist University’s Dinosaur Program

KEENE, Texas — “I think it’s safe to say that there’s a little more job security around here after today’s donation,” joked spokesperson Amal Gamation of Southwestern Adventist University’s Read more […]