GC: Women can be ordained as housewives
SILVER SPRING, Md. — General Conference officials have been working hard to offer some form of concession to placate advocates of women’s ordination who were bitterly disappointed by the GC Read more […]
Maranatha teams deploy to rebuild churches devastated by last year’s shoddy workmanship
Hundreds of Maranatha volunteers are deplaning in exotic countries the world over, bound for crumbling church buildings that they just built last summer. The teams have been summoned by dozens Read more […]
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Slacker GC San Antonio delegates face pay cuts over skipped meetings
SILVER SPRING, Md. — “Delegates who played hooky during the San Antonio GC business meetings are about to get their comeuppance,” warned General Conference Treasury spokesperson Will Butcher. Read more […]
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Adventists flee to wilderness with trailer of FriChik, forget can opener
BITTERROOT MOUNTAINS, Mont. — A band of Adventists that fled to the Bitterroots range of the Rockies with a giant haul of FriChik has, upon arrival, learned that they forgot to bring a can opener. Read more […]
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Adventist Church Seeks Most Boring City Possible for Future GC Session
SILVER SPRING, Md. — Plagued by delegate participation falling by half in sessions not dealing with hot-button issues, Seventh-day Adventist leadership is seeking the most boring city possible Read more […]
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GC Adventists refuse to leave, crown San Antonio “Adventist Salt Lake”
SAN ANTONIO, Texas — Halfway through the day after the closing ceremonies of the General Conference Session, tens of thousands of Adventists have announced their intent to stay in San Antonio. Although Read more […]
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Ben Carson to announce Doug Batchelor as running mate at GC closing ceremony
SAN ANTONIO, Texas — In his largest campaign rally to date, Seventh-day Adventist former neurosurgeon and current United States presidential candidate Dr. Ben Carson is set to officially Read more […]
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Thousands of single Adventists furiously flirting on last GC day
SAN ANTONIO, Texas — With the doors of the ark-like Alamodome about to close for good on the San Antonio General Conference Session, single Adventists are swarming around each other in an all-out Read more […]
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San Antonio vote defines “future GC delegate” as “male Adventist with midlife crisis”
SAN ANTONIO, Texas — On the last day of General Conference Session business meetings, a landslide majority of delegates voted to tighten the definition of “GC delegate” to “male Adventist with Read more […]
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GC Session booths attacked by man wielding whip
SAN ANTONIO, Texas — Pandemonium erupted among the GC San Antonio booths in the Henry B Gonzalez Convention Center this morning as an enraged man with a whip attacked a series of exhibitor stations, Read more […]
