NSA consults Southern’s administration on surveilance tips as anti-spying powers expire

BREAKING NEWS   COLLEGEDALE, Tenn. — Top NSA officials paid an emergency visit to Southern Adventist University early this morning as key anti-spying powers allowing bulk phone Read more […]

Aging male delegates handpicked to fairly represent male dominance at GC Session

SAN ANTONIO, Texas — “We are satisfied the deck is sufficiently stacked with gray heads and testosterone,” said General Conference Session logistics spokesperson Sonny Viejo to Adventist reporters Read more […]

Walla Walla unveils holding cells for seniors with unpaid bills

BREAKING NEWS COLLEGE PLACE, Wash. — “Telling seniors they won’t march for graduation if they haven’t paid their school bills isn’t working,” said Will Lockem, spokesperson for Walla Read more […]

Southern’s entire class of 2015 hired by Little Debbie

COLLEGEDALE, Tenn. — Mere weeks after the 2015 graduation exercises, Southern Adventist University administration has announced that 100 percent of the school’s graduating seniors have found Read more […]

Pope invites Doug Batchelor for peace talks

VATICAN — In an intriguing move by the Vatican, Pope Francis has invited veteran Adventist evangelist and staunch papal critic Doug Batchelor to Rome for peace talks. The invitation comes Read more […]

Slide Show: #TBT — Adventists legends when they were young(ish)

It’s Throwback Thursday! Can you guess who these Adventists/Adventist-connected people are?

GC San Antonio to feature vegetarian-only preferred seating

SAN ANTONIO, Texas — Event organizers have announced that this summer’ s General Conference Session will feature preferred seating for vegetarians. Floor seating close to the stage in the Read more […]

Adventist relieved new Waco villains are bikers

WACO, Texas — “It took 22 years but finally the most talked about villains in Waco are bikers, not an Adventist offshoot,” said church Public Relations Analyst Chip Spinner, echoing the sentiments Read more […]

Newly baptized Adventist told she can now stop thinking

Fresh from the waters of baptism and — before that — significant soul searching and Bible study, Bethany Olson has been told by her new Adventist brothers and sisters that she can stop thinking. Read more […]