Ben Carson announces run for presidency, promises no Sunday Law

BREAKING NEWS BALTIMORE, Md. — In attempt to shore up Adventist support for his newly announced presidential bid, Ben Carson has promised to veto any and all attempts at passing Sunday Law Read more […]

Adventist University of the Philippines holds all-night prayer vigil for Pacquaio

LAGUNA, Philippines — Thousands of Adventist University of the Philippines (AUP) students, staff and faculty have crowded into the university gymnasium and surrounding area to hold an all-night Read more […]

Hope Channel to air Pacquiao-Mayweather fight for free

SILVER SPRING, Md. — In a preventative measure aimed at keeping Adventists from going to Las Vegas or their local sports bar, Hope Channel executives have bought rights to broadcast this Read more […]

Walla Walla sells Nursing student contact info to single pastors

BREAKING NEWS COLLEGE PLACE, Wash. — Citing duty to do their honest part to perpetuate the time-honored tradition of Adventist pastor/nurse marriages, Walla Walla University’s Marketing Read more […]

Ben Carson announces plans to run for Mayor of Baltimore

BALTIMORE, Md. — In an announcement that has surprised both supporters and critics, former-neurosurgeon-turned-political commentator Ben Carson has announced plans to run for mayor of Baltimore Read more […]

Forest Lake Academy banquet doubles as mass wedding

APOPKA, Fla. — “Forest Lake Academy appears to have begun the process of chipping away at the Adventist wedding market currently dominated by the likes of Southern and Walla Walla,” commented Read more […]

Adventists seek reasons to justify watching Bruce Jenner interview on Friday night

HINSDALE, Ill. —- Curiosity and anticipation ran high in the weeks preceding Diane Sawyer’s interview with former Olympian Bruce Jenner for millions of Americans, even Adventists. Although Read more […]

Southern wears sack cloth and ashes after President Gordon Bietz announces retirement

COLLEGEDALE, Tenn. — Students, faculty and staff of Southern Adventist University have begun a week of grieving in sack cloth and ashes after it was announced yesterday that Gordon Bietz, Read more […]

Kim Kardashian to head Armenian relations at Glendale Adventist Medical Center

GLENDALE, Calif. — Glendale Adventist Medical Center announced a new addition to its executive team this morning. Effective May 2, reality TV star Kim Kardashian will spearhead the 515-bed Read more […]

20 in 20 Pathfinders don’t know what “keep a level eye” means

None of these Pathfinders have any idea what it means to “keep a level eye.” SILVER SPRING, Md. — World Pathfinder leaders are raising the alarm following the results of an international Read more […]