Saturday, January 18, 2025
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Adventist Culture

A Used Pathfinder Sash, and Other Presents for Adventists with Inconvenient January Birthdays

Wallet still recovering from Christmas? Fear not! Here's a list of budget-friendly gifts for the Adventist in your life who had the audacity to be born in January: A Used...
Evangelism

GC Aims to Double Adventist Membership by Requiring Adventists to Have Twice as Many Babies

In a bold move to boost church growth, the General Conference of Seventh-day Adventists has announced a controversial new initiative aimed at doubling the denomination's global membership. The plan,...
Health Message

Adventists Everywhere Resolve to Take Up Fasting After Holiday Gluttony

In an unprecedented wave of post-holiday repentance, Adventists worldwide are suddenly discovering a burning passion for fasting that would make Daniel himself proud. The spiritual awakening comes on the heels of...
Jewelry

Last-Minute Shoppers Flock to ABC for ‘I Can’t Believe It’s Not Jewelry’ Gift Sets

SILVER SPRING, MD — In a scene reminiscent of Black Friday chaos, local Adventists swarmed the Adventist Book Center (ABC) on Christmas Eve, desperate...
General Conference

GC Employee Caught Using VPN to Access Independent Adventist Websites

A General Conference employee was caught red-handed using a Virtual Private Network (VPN) to access independent Adventist websites during work hours. The incident has...
Health Message

Loma Linda Researchers Claim Pumpkin Pie ‘Technically a Vegetable’

In a groundbreaking announcement that has sent shockwaves through the Adventist health community, Loma Linda University researchers have declared that pumpkin pie can now...
Adventist Culture

Adventist Woman Accidentally Volunteers to Lead Her Own Baby Shower After Habitual ‘Yes’ Reflex Kicks In

Rachel Yeswuman, inadvertently volunteered to organize and lead her own baby shower. The incident occurred during last week’s women’s ministry meeting, where Rachel’s notorious...

Adventist Culture

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Man Who Accidentally Ate Meat on Friday Night Claims He Can Feel His Name Being Erased from Book of Life

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In a dramatic turn of events at the Collegedale...

New ABC Bestseller: ‘Bedtime Stories for Last-Day Kids’ Series Causes Stir

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Pacific Press Publishing Association has announced the launch of...

Andrews’ New Automated Student Life Bot Programmed to Say ‘Just Pray About It’ to All Concerns

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In a groundbreaking move to modernize student services while...

Pastor Convinced Every Transfer Request Is His Fault

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Pastor Gerald Meyers of the Pleasant Valley Seventh-day Adventist...

Adventist Food

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Nobody at Potluck Wants to Have or Eat Carob Cake

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In a groundbreaking display of unanimous decision-making, the entire...

Adventist MAGA Supporter Delighted to Witness Second Coming

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Local Adventist and fervent Trump supporter Walter "End Times"...

Church Organist Prepares Special Rendition of ‘We Have This Hope’ for Election Night

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Martha Pederson, long-time organist at the Echoville First Seventh-day...

Adventist Claims to Be “Above Politics” While Posting 47 Political Memes During Sabbath Hours

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Local church member Bradley Thompson declared himself "completely above...

Sabbath Observance

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Decluttering Tips for Your Adventist Home

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Feeling overwhelmed by your earthly possessions? Fear not, fellow...

BarelyAdventist’s Predictions for 2025

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It’s 2025, and we already know what’s coming for...

Top 10 Adventist New Year’s Resolutions

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1. Memorize All 13 Sabbath School Memory Verses Each...

Adventist Mathematicians Claim to Have Discovered the ‘Golden Ratio’ in EGW’s Hairdo

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LOMA LINDA, Calif. — A team of Adventist mathematicians...

BarelyAdventist is a satire and humor blog focused on Adventist culture and issues. Written by committed Adventists, the goal is to foster growth within the faith community through lighthearted conversation and humor, avoiding soapboxing or angry rants. The blog is not officially endorsed by the General Conference of Seventh-day Adventists.

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