Sabbath watches at average Adventist church contain “enough gold for calf statue”

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that's a lot of Sabbath bling...
that’s a lot of Sabbath bling…
BERRIEN SPRINGS, Mich. — New data from a survey of Adventist Sabbath-keeping habits has quantified the gold content of watches members wear to church every Sabbath.

The Andrews University researchers found that, on average, the weekly cumulative gold content of watches at an Adventist Church was enough to comfortably fill a calf statue mold.

“We haven’t even started on the gold content of tie pins, broaches or premium Bible bookmarks,” said lead researcher Verklig Guldsmed. “But I’m pretty sure you’d have a respectable herd of golden cattle if we did.”

“We are not the slightest bit concerned with what our members’ watches are made of, that is their business and not ours,” said General Conference Christian Lifestyle spokesperson Redirreccion Rapido after being confronted with the researchers’ results. He added that he would appreciate it if members stopped contacting him about “peripheral matters” that wasted time and energy.

“However, the minute you see hoops or studs of any material in members’ ears you can call my department’s hotline and we’ll be happy to add them to our watchlist of questionable congregations,” said Rapido.



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  1. pesky bugs

    So outdated! Golden calf? Ancient, older than my Granddad. A giant iPhone god might be created with all that gold. So much more “today.” And nobody would have to be taught how to worship that. Heck, who today knows what a “calf” is. Part of your leg. maybe.

  2. Jon Dough

    ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍When attached to clothing or hair, all manner of expensive pins, brooches, and decorative jewels are allowed without question. Thus, jewelry is fine and dandy, as long as it doesn’t touch your skin. Jewelry is also fine and dandy as long as it can be deemed “functional” in some way. Thus, watches are okay no matter how expensive or showy. By the same token, it is fine to wear a bellybutton ring or nose ring as long as it has a tiny watch face that can be seen with a magnifying glass or microscope.
    ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍Better yet, we could stop inventing hypocritical Pharisaical exceptions to a non-existent rule, because the Bible actually says jewelry is a beautiful blessing from God (see Exodus 3:22 and Ezekiel 16:8-14, etc.). The problem with the golden calf was that the people took off their jewelry, and used it to make a statue, instead of wearing it as God had intended.

    1. Charlotte Webb

      So true. We invent our own rules and then we try to impress God by keeping them. The Lord must be chuckling at us by now. There is nothing we can do to impress Him. We cannot save ourselves by “being more religious.” He already paid the price for our salvation. Imagine owing a hospital bill that you could not possibly pay, and then a kind benefactor unexpectedly steps in and pays it for you. Even so, you gather up a few pitiful pennies and take them to the hospital office. What does the business manager do? He chuckles and says, “Thank you, but there is no need to bring your pennies. Your debt was already paid.”

  3. Ray Kraft

    How about melting all those golden calf substitutes and casting all that gold into life-size or larger-than-life-size golden statues of Jesus to be displayed at the front of every church? Or we could tile the floors of the churches with golden tiles, to remind us that when we get to heaven we’ll find every street and alley and freeway paved with gold!

  4. Richard Mills

    My, my, my, my, my-youse guys got it all wrong. Think about all the bronze objects within our edifices, etc. We could make those bronze serpents. One for each church. Another one in the lobby. A few more for the GC buildings. A few more at Florida Hospital. A few more for Loma Linda. Especially for the healing part. Where else could there be a few serpents? Andrews? Kettering? Collegedale? Put tiny ones inside Little Debbies for prizes. My gold watch and bronze tie clip is in the mail. Use it as you see fit. I give up! If it ain’t Biblical, leave it alone. Woe iz me!!
    PS-I am currently wearing a gold plated belly button with a tiny watch inserted in the middle. Is that OK? It’s covered up. Nobody sees it.

    1. Ben Carsinogen

      I’ll take a few of those bronze serpents to post around Washington, D.C., when Donald Dump appoints me as Surgeon General (and Ted Cruz as Attorney General) next year!

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