Clapping sound heard from rocks as Adventist leaders ban church applause

Locals have been spooked by the clapping sound coming from Silver Spring rocks...
Locals have been spooked by the clapping sound coming from Silver Spring rocks…
SILVER SPRING, Md. — General Conference officials were both alarmed and genuinely annoyed this morning to hear a loud clapping sound coming from rocks around the huge building housing the Seventh-day Adventist world headquarters. “It seemed as though wherever two or more rocks were gathered, there was a really loud clapping sound,” said GC Director of Pointless Regulation, Tais Toi. “I was seriously spooked.”

Toi said that strange as the sound was coming from lifeless rocks, the timing of the raucous applause was stranger still. The clapping sounds coincided with the culmination of a five-year study on the hotly debated issue of applause in Adventist churches.  

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At the exact moment that a roar of sanctimonious “Hallelujahs” greeted the news that delegates flown in from all corners of the world had voted to ban clapping in churches, assorted Silver Spring rocks erupted in their own applause.

“As big believers in literal interpretation of scripture whenever convenient, my colleagues and I are not at all shocked that inanimate rocks have the ability to express themeselves,” said Toi. “But we’re baffled as to why they can’t restrict themselves to a hearty ‘Amen.’ It almost felt like they were protesting something.”

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10 Comments

  1. Ray Kraft

    If they keep it up, the trees will start clapping their hands. And the rocks won’t just clap, they’ll cry out!

    Of course, I’ve never understood what’s wrong with applause in church, I guess the rocks and trees think it’s okay, so, why not?

    • STU REDMAN

      OF COURSE THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH APPLAUSE IN CHURCH OR OTHER NON- SDA INSTRUMENTS.
      SIMPLY STATED: THE FOUNDERS OF THE SDA CLUB, I MEAN CHURCH DECIDED THAT IT WAS NOT PART OF IT’S REPERTOIRE.
      THOSE WHO START A CHURCH, CLUB, SCHOOL, BUSINESS, COUNTRY, GET TO DECIDE THE RULES. PERIOD.

  2. How apropos for the “GC Director of Pointless Regulation” to be named “Tais Toi.” As my French-speaking friends know, that means “shut up.” Ha!

    Funniest part: we are “big believers in literal interpretation of scripture whenever convenient. . . .” LOL! How about taking this verse literally: “Praise Him with tambourine and dancing. . . . Praise Him with loud cymbals” (Psalm 150:4-5) and “Make a joyful noise unto the Lord” (Psalm 100:1)?

  3. Mick Jegher

    “The clapping sounds coincided with the culmination of a five-year study on the hotly debated issue of applause in Adventist churches.” Sounds vaguely reminiscent of the women’s ordination issue that was studied deeply for the past five years, only to be derailed in San Antonio by adherents to a hyper-literal interpretation of Paul’s remark about women being silent in church. If women are not allowed to proclaim the Good News, even the rocks will cry out the Gospel in their place.

  4. Richard Mills

    One nice addition to the clapping is to purchase a couple of those plastic hand clappers usually found in a dollar store. They work just wonderful. No pain in the palm of your hand. Just wave vigorously for the effect. Fits nicely in your pocketbook, inside pocket of a suit coat. Comes in various colors & sizes, too! Woe is me.

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