10 Reactions You Get When You Say You Are Seventh-day Adventist

1. The Cult Crusader: “Wait, Seventh-day Adventist? Isn’t that a cult?” They immediately start searching for the nearest exit, fearing you might try to indoctrinate them into your secret society Read more […]

GC Announces Plans to Distribute 1 Billion 28 Fundamentals VHS Tapes Globally

In a move that left members speechless, the GC unveiled a bold new initiative this morning: “Operation Saturation: 28 Fundamentals on a Billion Tapes!” Yes, you read that right. A billion. VHS tapes. Apparently, Read more […]

Pastor Disciplined for Holding Baptismal Candidates Underwater Too Long

Pastor Jeb was known for his long-winded baptismal services at the Dry Gulch Adventist Church. Whenever he baptized someone, Jeb liked to add his own personal flair by delivering an extended benediction Read more […]

7 Reasons Adventist Men Should Sport a Barong Tagalog

Forget the same-old Sabbath outfit, BarelyAdventist bros! It’s time to ditch the yawn-inducing threads and embrace something that’ll have you looking sharp and feeling comfortable all service long. Read more […]

Michigan Conference Pastors to Name Check Anyone Sleeping in Church

In a controversial move aimed at combating disengaged congregants, the Michigan Conference of Seventh-day Adventists has instituted a new policy allowing pastors to publicly call out any members Read more […]

Extreme Voices Are Tearing Adventists Apart – Help BarelyAdventist Stop Them

Hi there, fellow Adventists! This is Sevvy, the somewhat eccentric but always entertaining founder and main word-slinger of BarelyAdventist. Let’s be real, folks – these days, it seems like Read more […]

Guy Who Reminded Wife Scripture Says to Submit is Submitting to Night in Tent

Elias Uprighteous, the self-proclaimed guardian of biblical orthodoxy, found himself embroiled in a marital showdown when his wife, Rebecca, dared to question his divine authority to purchase a Read more […]

New Fundamental – Raffle No Longer Gambling if Called ‘Opportunity Draw’

“Brethren, after much prayer, we have instituted a new fundamental belief: ‘Raffles Are No Longer Gambling if You Call Them “Opportunity Draws,'” announced Ufe Mista, the General Conference Director Read more […]

Pastor Gets Moved So Much He Lives in U-Haul

Pastor John had been reassigned so frequently over his 25 year career that he decided to save money by permanently living out of a U-Haul truck. “I’ve moved 14 times already,” he explained. “The Read more […]

Maybe We Should Just Start an Adventist Singles Monastery

Listen up, fellow BarelyAdventists. Is anyone else tired of the Adventist dating scene? The awkward silences at church functions? The endless stream of well-meaning but clueless setups? Yeah, Read more […]