New Adventist Dress Code Bans Anything More Stylish Than a Muu-Muu

SILVER SPRING, Md. – The General Conference Modesty Committee has issued a new dress code policy banning any clothing deemed too fashionable or stylish for faithful Adventists. The policy, titled Read more […]

Adventist Veggie Meat Alternatives Now 100% Indistinguishable From Cardboard

LOMA LINDA, Calif. – NEWSTART Foods announced today that after years of research and development, their line of vegetarian meat substitutes has achieved complete parity with cardboard in terms Read more […]

99% of Adventists Would Rather Get Root Canals Than Teach Teen Sabbath School

A recent survey has found that an overwhelming majority of church members would prefer to undergo multiple root canals than volunteer to teach the teen Sabbath School class. The study, conducted Read more […]

10 Ways Adventist Dads Embarrass Their Kids at Potluck

Potluck – a time for fellowship, food, and, for many Adventist kids, a chance to be thoroughly embarrassed by their well-meaning dads. Here are the top ten ways Adventist dads manage to turn every Read more […]

Turns out Shaking California Adventists Experienced Was Simply an Earthquake

LOS ANGELES, Calif. — Local Adventist Joe Reverent was giving a stirring sermon on the imminent end times when the ground began to tremble. Congregants, already on edge from Joe’s vivid descriptions Read more […]

Membership Transfers Must Now Disclose if Incoming Member is Single

The Adventist Church has decided to update its membership transfer process to reflect the pressing needs of its congregations. Starting this summer, incoming members will now have to disclose their Read more […]

Pastor Fundraising for New Wing Sick of People Saying Church “Is Not a Building”

Pastor Michael Reynolds has a massive headache, and it’s not from too many rounds of “Bringing in the Sheaves” on Sabbath mornings. No, his migraine stems from a certain oft-repeated phrase that Read more […]

Member Rejecting Cheap Grace Not So Hot on Actual Grace Either

Jeff Larson has revealed that his disdain for “cheap grace” extends far beyond its superficial ease. According to sources close to the piously particular parishioner, Larson isn’t particularly Read more […]

Adventist Scholar Convinced Moses Also Got Tablet With 28 Fundamentals

MOUNT SINAI – Adventist scholar Dr. Seymour Scriptura claims Moses not only received the Ten Commandments on Mount Sinai but also a separate set of tablets containing the 28 Fundamental Beliefs Read more […]

Newbold Perks You Won’t Find at Any Other Adventist School

Here’s why Newbold is the ultimate Adventist college experience: History and Culture? We Practically Invented It: Why slog through dusty textbooks when you can walk through history itself? Read more […]