Tuesday, January 14, 2025
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Scripture

Paul’s Tentmaking Side Hustle Disrupts Roman Textile Industry

CORINTH — The Roman textile industry is in an uproar following the explosive success of a tentmaking side hustle started by itinerant preacher Paul of Tarsus. The former Pharisee's...
Uncategorized

BarelyAdventist’s Interview with GC President Ted Wilson

In a surprising turn of events, BarelyAdventist managed to secure an exclusive interview with General Conference President Ted Wilson over the weekend. We're still not sure how we pulled...
ADRA

ADRA Launches ‘Reindeer Retraining Program’ for Post-Holiday Employment

SILVER SPRING, MD — In a groundbreaking initiative that combines compassion with practicality, the Adventist Development and Relief Agency (ADRA) has announced its new “Reindeer Retraining Program” to help Santa’s hardworking...
Christmas

Pastor’s Kid Cast as Baby Jesus for 17th Consecutive Year

BERRIEN SPRINGS, Mich. — The annual Christmas nativity play at the Berrien Springs Seventh-day Adventist Church has once again stirred controversy as Pastor Heirloom...
Uncategorized

Mr. Beast Accepts GC’s Ultimate Challenge: A Billion ‘Great Controversies’ by December 31st

YouTube sensation Mr. Beast has accepted the General Conference's audacious challenge to distribute one billion copies of Ellen White's "The Great Controversy" by the...
Legalism

New Church Program: ‘Adopt-a-Backslider’ Pairs Judgmental Members with ‘Project Cases’

In a groundbreaking initiative aimed at boosting church attendance and fostering spiritual growth, the Piety Hills Seventh-day Adventist Church has launched its controversial "Adopt-a-Backslider"...
Adventist Culture

6 Foolproof Strategies to Avoid Being Voluntold for Nominating Committee

As Adventists, we all know the dread that comes with those fateful words: "The Nominating Committee will now begin its work." If you're tired...

Adventist Culture

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Pastor Convinced Every Transfer Request Is His Fault

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Pastor Gerald Meyers of the Pleasant Valley Seventh-day Adventist...

Singles Ministry Launches Missionary Dating Recovery Support Group

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The North American Division Singles Ministry has announced the...

Nobody at Potluck Wants to Have or Eat Carob Cake

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In a groundbreaking display of unanimous decision-making, the entire...

Adventist MAGA Supporter Delighted to Witness Second Coming

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Local Adventist and fervent Trump supporter Walter "End Times"...

Adventist Food

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Adventist Claims to Be “Above Politics” While Posting 47 Political Memes During Sabbath Hours

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Local church member Bradley Thompson declared himself "completely above...

Trump Dons High-Vis Vest, Vows to ‘Clean Up Tremendous Piles of Great Controversy Books’ From American Cities”

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In a dramatic campaign appearance that left Adventist leaders...

Local Adventist Finally Admits Cookie Binge Was His Own Fault, Not Satan’s

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In a groundbreaking moment of personal accountability, local church...

New AI Algorithm Calculates Exact Distance Between Theater and Hell

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In a groundbreaking development that has Adventist mathematicians buzzing,...

Sabbath Observance

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Adventist Mathematicians Claim to Have Discovered the ‘Golden Ratio’ in EGW’s Hairdo

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LOMA LINDA, Calif. — A team of Adventist mathematicians...

Adventists Everywhere Resolve to Take Up Fasting After Holiday Gluttony

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In an unprecedented wave of post-holiday repentance, Adventists worldwide...

Last-Minute Shoppers Flock to ABC for ‘I Can’t Believe It’s Not Jewelry’ Gift Sets

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SILVER SPRING, MD — In a scene reminiscent of...

GC Employee Caught Using VPN to Access Independent Adventist Websites

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A General Conference employee was caught red-handed using a...

BarelyAdventist is a satire and humor blog focused on Adventist culture and issues. Written by committed Adventists, the goal is to foster growth within the faith community through lighthearted conversation and humor, avoiding soapboxing or angry rants. The blog is not officially endorsed by the General Conference of Seventh-day Adventists.

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