Wilson Bans Adventists From Using Hoverboards, Says They Facilitate Levitation

SILVER SPRING, Md. — General Conference President Ted Wilson has a launched a full scale attack on the international hoverboard craze. After colliding with a caffeinated North American Division Read more […]

John the Baptist Banned From Church Over Revealing Outfit

ICEBUCKET, Mich. — John the Baptist was banned from Shepherd SDA Church last Sabbath after turning up for a service in his usual camel hair attire. The preacher immediately attracted the attention Read more […]

Swedish Union Ordains Greta Thunberg As Climate Change Prophet

STOCKHOLM, Sweden — The Swedish Union ordained the young activist Greta Thunberg as a climate change prophet this morning in a ceremony attended by absolutely no GC officials. Although Read more […]

GC Exec Quietly Vows to Publish Harry-like Tell-All the Second He Retires

SILVER SPRING, Md. — Wildly inspired by Prince Harry’s tell-all autobiography, General Conference VP Will Exitlit, promised himself this morning to celebrate his retirement day with the publication Read more […]

Republicans Vow Not To Pick Speaker Until Adventists Ordain Women

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Despite the growing chaos surrounding Congressional Republicans’ failure to pick a Speaker of the House, representatives have flat out refused to make their selection before Read more […]