Tuesday, March 24, 2026
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Social Justice

Local Adventist Discovers Caring for the Poor Is Not a Liberal Conspiracy—But Actually, Like… Half the Bible

SPRINGFIELD, USA — In a shocking turn of events during this week’s Sabbath School discussion, local Adventist Mark Jensen reportedly discovered that caring for the poor is not, in...
Pioneers

Adventists Should Go First

Ellen G. White started a health reform movement when doctors were still prescribing whiskey. Our founders built hospitals in the wilderness, launched schools on faith and borrowed lumber, and...
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Superstitious Church leaders scrap 13th Sabbath tradition

SILVER SPRING, Md. --- In a dramatic shift for the Adventist church, world leaders have decided to discontinue the practice of holding special offerings and communion on the last Saturday of...
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Would Adventist Leaders Be in Better Shape If They Actually Believed the Health Message?

Long before Blue Zones were trendy, we were warning about sugar, preaching whole foods, and publishing longevity data. If this message truly sharpens the...
Church Growth

Why do people leave Adventism relieved—and why don’t we want to hear that?

When people leave Adventism, many describe something unexpected: relief. Not bitterness. Not rebellion. Relief. Relief from constant self-monitoring. Relief from the low-grade anxiety of never quite...
Uncategorized

Is It Time to Say Goodbye to Ellen White?

There’s a question that feels increasingly unavoidable in Adventism’s current moment—maybe even a perfectly acceptable one at this point in our history: What do we...
Uncategorized

How Does Adventism Look Without Americans in Charge?

Something quietly historic is happening in the Seventh-day Adventist Church, and most North American members are still catching up to it. The numbers tell the...

Adventist Culture

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No, You Can’t Hasten the Second Coming

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Somewhere along the way, “sharing the gospel” turned into...

ABC Stores Don’t Know What to Do With Leftover Carob

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February 15th: chocolate’s gone, hearts are broken, and ABC...

Local Deacon Reminds Wife Submission Would Improve Communication Flow

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SPRINGDALE, USA — Local deacon Mark Halvorsen confirmed Tuesday...

English Is Over: The Global Church Is Moving On

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Adventism has long assumed North American English was the...

Adventist Food

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In Defense of Adventism

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  Adventism is worth defending. Not the messy parts we...

Do You Ever Wonder Whether Adventist Satire Is Misunderstood by People Who Don’t Know the Church from the Inside?

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Absolutely. That’s probably the central risk of doing satire...

Adventists Say They’d Feel Much Better If His Name Was “Good Bunny”

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SILVER SPRING, MD — A growing number of Adventists...

Conference Officials Remind Members That “The Investigative Judgment” Does Not Apply to Your Neighbor’s Choice of Lawn Ornament

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  TAKOMA PARK, MD — Conference officials issued a gentle...

Sabbath Observance

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We Can Do Vastly Better

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    For a group that often specializes in self-criticism, it’s...

Does BarelyAdventist Hate the Church?

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Between the satire, the memes, the open questions, the...

When Testimony Time Feels Like a Competition

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Testimony time can be one of the most beautiful...

You Are Not a Prophet

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  For decades, the Adventist Church has had people who...

BarelyAdventist is a satire and humor blog focused on Adventist culture and issues. Written by committed Adventists, the goal is to foster growth within the faith community through lighthearted conversation and humor, avoiding soapboxing or angry rants. The blog is not officially endorsed by the General Conference of Seventh-day Adventists.

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