Local Adventist Invokes “Ox in the Ditch” Loophole to Work on Beating Video Game Level

LOMA LINDA, Calif. — Local Adventist gamer Landon Reese invoked the rarely used “ox in the ditch” clause this past Sabbath to continue working on beating a particularly difficult video game Read more […]

Adventist Pastor’s Attempt to Emulate Hulk Hogan’s RNC Shirt-Rip During Sermon Goes Horribly Wrong

In a misguided attempt to connect with younger churchgoers, Pastor Brock “The Rock” Johnson of Tumbleweed Seventh-day Adventist Church found himself in a precarious situation after trying to emulate Read more […]

Adventist Universities Must Now Teach Evolution (of GC Authority)

Silver Spring, Md. – In a stunning reversal of long-standing policy, the General Conference of Seventh-day Adventists has announced that Adventist universities and colleges may now teach about Read more […]

Church Attracts Standing Room Only Crowd After Installing Phone Chargers in Pews

In a groundbreaking move that has sent shockwaves through the Adventist community, the First Seventh-day Adventist Church of Chargewell has reported record-breaking attendance after installing Read more […]

Local Pastor’s Sermon on Patience Interrupted by Impatient Congregation

Pastor John Longwind’s sermon on the virtue of patience was cut short by his increasingly restless congregation at the “Tarry-a-While Seventh-day Adventist Church.” The sermon, aptly titled “Waiting Read more […]

Newbold College Adds ‘Coping with Football Disappointment’ to Theology Curriculum

In a bold move following England’s heartbreaking loss to Spain in the Euro 2024 final, Newbold College of Higher Education has announced an addition to its theology curriculum: “THEO 301: Coping Read more […]

Loma Linda Scientists Create Vegan Substitute So Realistic, Vegans Refuse to Eat It

Researchers at Loma Linda University’s School of Public Health have unveiled a new vegan substitute so convincing that even die-hard vegans are questioning their life choices. Dr. Mia Plantlover, Read more […]

New Adventist Board Game ‘Sabbath Loopholes’ Becomes Overnight Sensation

In a surprising turn of events, a new board game called “Sabbath Loopholes” has taken the Adventist world by storm, selling out in record time at ABC stores across the globe. The game challenges Read more […]

Local Adventist Sets New Personal Record: Showered, Shaved, and Changed in 2.5 Minutes Before Friday Sundown

In a display of pre-Sabbath gymnastics that would make even Ellen White raise an eyebrow, local Adventist John Doe has set a new personal record by showering, shaving, and changing in just 2.5 minutes Read more […]

8 Adventist-Approved Pick-Up Lines That Are Guaranteed to Fail

Looking for love in all the wrong pews? Fear not, lovelorn Adventist! We’ve compiled a list of pick-up lines that are so bad, they’re almost good. Use these at your own risk: 1. “Hey, is your Read more […]