End Times Sermon Interrupted by Member Asking if Potluck is Still On

Pastor Bartholomew Thompson’s sermon on the impending apocalypse took a dramatic nosedive this Sabbath, thanks to an unexpected inquiry from the congregation. As Thompson weaved a tapestry of biblical Read more […]

From Tofu to Testimony: The Ethics of Turning Cooking Classes into Conversions

Hey there, BarelyAdventist fam! We’ve got a sizzling topic on the menu today: the ethics of turning cooking classes into conversions. We Adventists love to host vegetarian cooking classes aimed Read more […]

Youth Pastor’s Attempt to Make Sabbath School ‘Lit’ Results in Confusion, Fire Department Visit

In a desperate attempt to make Sabbath School relevant to the ever-elusive “youth demographic,” Brother Chad, the enthusiastic but slightly misguided youth pastor at Harmony Hills Adventist Church, Read more […]

GC Recommends Extra Long Skirts for Maximum Modesty During Time of Trouble

SILVER SPRING, Md. — The General Conference sent out an urgent announcement today reminding members of the need for “maximum modesty throughout the Time of Trouble.” In a press release Read more […]

7 Reasons to Lay Off Pastor’s Kids

Alright, Adventist fam, let’s talk about the elephant in the sanctuary – pastor’s kids. We all know they practically come pre-ordained, right? Wrong! But before you launch into a full-on spiritual Read more […]

Family Excited to Be Missionaries Wherever Jesus Leads — as Long as it’s in Hawaii

Forget mud huts and malaria, the Johnson family has a new definition of missionary work: “paradise with a purpose.” This sun-kissed clan is swapping Bibles for beach towels in their quest to spread Read more […]

Survey: Most Adventists Don’t Actually Know What They Believe (But They’re Sure Everyone Else is Wrong)

A recent survey conducted among Adventists has revealed a surprising trend: many members of the faith aren’t entirely sure about what they believe. Despite this uncertainty, they remain steadfastly Read more […]

Top 5 Signs You’re More Belshazzar Than You Think (Spoiler Alert: We All Are a Little Bit)

None of us want to be compared to Belshazzar, the Babylonian king who partied while his kingdom crumbled around him. But the truth is, we all have a little bit of Belshazzar in us. Here are 5 Read more […]

Local Church Discovers Love is More Important Than Actually Knowing Stuff About the Bible

BREAKING NEWS: In a groundbreaking theological discovery, a local Adventist church has unveiled a revolutionary approach to faith: ditch the doctrine, embrace the feels! Yes, you read that Read more […]

Trump Promises To Build Wall Around Adventist Subdivision In Heaven

WASHINGTON, D.C. — As Election Day looms, the Trump and Biden campaigns are appealing to voters of all stripes in an attempt to woo them. Both candidates are scraping the barrel when it comes Read more […]