Monday, June 23, 2025
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Heritage

Baptismal Requirements Now Include Pledge of Allegiance, Star Spangled Banner

SILVER SPRING, Md. — In a move designed to "ensure theological consistency with our American heritage," the General Conference voted Tuesday to require all baptismal candidates worldwide to recite...
Ted Wilson

Ted Wilson to Replace GC Session Parade of Nations with One-Man Fashion Extravaganza

SILVER SPRING, MD — In a move that has stunned and delighted the global Adventist community, General Conference President Ted Wilson has announced plans to cancel the traditional Parade...
Dating

Adventist Single Swears She’s “Totally Content” – Has Wedding Playlist Ready Just in Case

BINFIELD, UK – Local Adventist single Sarah M., 29, has once again assured her Sabbath School class that she is “totally content” with her single status-even as her Spotify “Wedding Bangers”...
Remnant Complex

Sabbath School Department Releases “Remnant Coloring Book” for Ages 3 and Up-Stay Inside the Lines or Risk Apostasy

In an inspired leap forward for doctrinal formation, the General Conference Sabbath School Department has announced the launch of its “Remnant Coloring Book,” designed...
Uncategorized

GC Announces Tithe Transparency App With Leaderboard and Shame Notifications

In a move to “build trust and accountability,” the Adventist Church has unveiled its latest digital innovation: the Tithe Transparency App, now featuring real-time...
North American Division

New Union Created for Anti-Vaxxers: NAD Announces PureBlood Union Conference

COLUMBIA, Md. – In a move that has raised eyebrows and lowered vaccination rates, the North American Division (NAD) of Seventh-day Adventists has unveiled...
Trump

Tariff-Induced Market Crash Leaves Adventists Banking on Eternity

SILVER SPRING, MD — A record number of Seventh-day Adventists are proclaiming that their true riches are in heaven following a catastrophic crash in...

Adventist Culture

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Adventist Rules That Would Make Jesus Say “Wait, What?!”

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We Adventists love our rules. Some are so wild,...

California Adventists Replace 28 Fundamentals With Group Hug

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LOS ANGELES, Calif. — In a move that’s shocked...

Adventist Grandma Insists She Is “Woke” Due to Trusty Alarm Clock

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Local Adventist grandmother, Edna Pritchard, 87, proudly declared herself...

DOGE Disbands Every Adventist Committee

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SILVER SPRING, Md. — In a shocking turn of...

Adventist Food

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Students Stage Overnight Cow Coup at Andrews University

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In a stunning reversal of Andrews University’s 2019 decision...

GC Warns Adventists Not to Bring Sermon Feedback Signs to Church Like House Democrats

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Silver Spring, MD – The General Conference of Seventh-day...

Ted Wilson Fashion Statements

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Nothing says bold like some of these fashion decisions...

Trump Commands World to Worship Golden Gaza Statue

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WASHINGTON DC. — Adventists are abuzz after Donald Trump’s...

Sabbath Observance

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Marriage Ceremony Delayed—Bride’s Ex-Husband Still to Issue Official Adultery Notification

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In a development that has left the entire church...

Wilson Confirms Retirement, Promises Not to Manipulate GC Session Nominating Committee

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SILVER SPRING, MD — General Conference President Ted Wilson...

Wilson Blames Bankruptcy of Loma Linda Foods on The Shaking

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In a statement released from his office surrounded by...

GC: We’re Not Exclusive, We Just Prefer to Be Right Alone

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SILVER SPRING, MD—The Seventh-day Adventist General Conference (GC) has...

BarelyAdventist is a satire and humor blog focused on Adventist culture and issues. Written by committed Adventists, the goal is to foster growth within the faith community through lighthearted conversation and humor, avoiding soapboxing or angry rants. The blog is not officially endorsed by the General Conference of Seventh-day Adventists.

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