GC No Longer Asking Biden For Babylon Evacuation Assistance

SILVER SPRING, Md. — After an all-day emergency meeting of the GC Executive Committee, members voted overwhelmingly to withdraw an evacuation request recently filed with the Biden administration. Soon Read more […]

New Member Can’t Find Where Jesus Lays Out 28 Fundamentals

STOCKHOLM, Sweden – New member Anna Borttappad opened her Bible this morning, looking to brush up on doctrine. After the flurry of scripture hopping she’d gone through during her baptismal Read more […]

Billion-Copy ‘Great Controversy’ Distribution Hastens Second Coming Through Deforestation

SILVER SPRING, Md. — There’s a twist to General Conference plans to distribute a billion copies of The Great Controversy. “We could just have emailed a billion PDFs to people but we aren’t Read more […]

Kanye Announces Atlanta Adventist Academy Listening Event

ATLANTA, Ga. – Fresh off another Donda listening event in Atlanta’s Mercedes-Benz Stadium, rapper/fashion designer Kanye West announced that ahead of his yet-to-be-released album, he wants to Read more […]

South American Division HQ Moves to Buenos Aires After Argentine Copa América Win

BUENOS AIRES, Argentina —— Moving vans are currently en route to Buenos Aires after a decision by Adventist leadership to move the South American Division headquarters to the Argentine capital. “Our Read more […]

GC Approves ‘Black Widow’ As Adventist-Appropriate Due To Non-Leadership Role In Avengers

Silver Spring, Md. —— In a shocking move, the General Conference has released a statement fully authorizing Adventist members to view Marvel’s Black Widow on opening weekend.  “We Read more […]