Sunday, February 15, 2026
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ABC Stores Don’t Know What to Do With Leftover Carob

February 15th: chocolate’s gone, hearts are broken, and ABC stores are buried under a small mountain of carob. Carob hearts. Carob-covered raisins. Carob bars pretending to be chocolate. Enough...
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Local Deacon Reminds Wife Submission Would Improve Communication Flow

SPRINGDALE, USA — Local deacon Mark Halvorsen confirmed Tuesday evening that he had lovingly intervened in what he described as “a minor tonal disruption” by reminding his wife that...
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Epstein Files Reveal He Repeatedly Complained About Unsolicited Copies of The Great Controversy Appearing at His Properties

U.S. — Among the thousands of pages released in the latest tranche of Epstein-related documents, investigators and journalists stumbled upon an unexpected recurring grievance: Jeffrey Epstein’s relentless irritation over unsolicited copies...
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The Dumbest Things You Can Do in a Church Business Meeting

Here is a non-exhaustive list of the dumbest things you can do in a church business meeting, lovingly observed in the wild. Start a...
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The Quiet Financial Anxiety So Many of Us Carry

  This isn’t the dramatic, headline-grabbing kind of money stress. No eviction notice taped to the door. No tearful phone calls to the bank. Just...
#NotSatire

When Life Drains You, This Is the Reminder You Actually Need

  Let’s not sugarcoat it: some days, life feels like it’s siphoning energy straight out of your soul. Not just tired—soul-tired. You’ve rested, prayed, maybe...
#NotSatire

Is BarelyAdventist Liberal or Conservative?

Labels like liberal, conservative, progressive, or historical get thrown around a lot in Adventism—but do they really capture what we’re about? And where does...

Adventist Culture

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We Don’t Have a Youth Retention Problem—We Have an Adult Honesty Problem

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Adventism keeps asking why young people are leaving. We...

We Say ‘Present Truth’ but Panic Every Time It Actually Shows Up

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Adventism loves the phrase present truth. It sounds forward-looking,...

GC Officials Open Fire On Anti-Carob Protestors, Drenching Them Thoroughly With Super Soakers

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SILVER SPRING, MD — Chaos erupted outside the General...

Trump Tells NATO: “Iron and Clay Feet? No Way They Can Defend Greenland!”

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  WASHINGTON, D.C. — US President Donald Trump delivered a...

Adventist Food

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Single Adventist Woman Seeking Husband to Help Populate an Entire Pathfinder Club

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Age: Old enough to know better, young enough to...

We Don’t Need to Agree

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  Growing up on missionary campuses felt like a miniature...

BREAKING: Trans-European Division Deploys Pathfinders to Defend Greenland

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In a decisive and extremely well-badged move, the Trans-European...

Trump Announces “Very Peaceful” Invasion of Pitcairn Island After Discovering It Keeps the Sabbath

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PITCAIRN ISLAND (Somewhere Near Revelation 14) — U.S. President Donald...

Sabbath Observance

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Frustrated Millennial Realizes “Dating Within the Faith” Limits Options to Her Third Cousin and the Guy Who Still Wears a Tie-Dye Revelation Seminar Shirt

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COLLEGE PLACE, WA — Local Adventist millennial Hannah R....

Can This Church Tell the Truth About Itself Without Panicking?

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Young Adventists aren’t asking a hundred different questions. They’re...

Church Shouldn’t Feel Like Walking on Eggshells

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Somewhere along the way, church became a place where...

Why So Many Adventists Think They’re Being Loving—and Aren’t

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Most Adventists genuinely believe they’re being loving. That’s what...

BarelyAdventist is a satire and humor blog focused on Adventist culture and issues. Written by committed Adventists, the goal is to foster growth within the faith community through lighthearted conversation and humor, avoiding soapboxing or angry rants. The blog is not officially endorsed by the General Conference of Seventh-day Adventists.

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