Wednesday, April 23, 2025
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General Conference

Next Pope to be Chosen at GC Session

VATICAN CITY/ST. LOUIS — The General Conference has announced that the next pope will be elected at the upcoming GC Session in St. Louis this summer. Sources within the...
North American Division

New Union Created for Anti-Vaxxers: NAD Announces PureBlood Union Conference

COLUMBIA, Md. – In a move that has raised eyebrows and lowered vaccination rates, the North American Division (NAD) of Seventh-day Adventists has unveiled the creation of the “PureBlood...
Trump

DOGE Disbands Every Adventist Committee

SILVER SPRING, Md. — In a shocking turn of events, the Department of Government Efficiency (DOGE), spearheaded by Elon Musk, has turned its sights on the Seventh-day Adventist Church, disbanding every...
Stewardship

Offering Canceled Because Nobody Carries Cash

Pastor Bill Fleece of the Everhope Seventh-day Adventist Church announced this Sabbath that the traditional offering collection would be canceled indefinitely. The reason? “Nobody...
Andrews University

Students Stage Overnight Cow Coup at Andrews University

In a stunning reversal of Andrews University’s 2019 decision to ditch its iconic dairy herd, a rogue band of Gen Z students has unleashed...
Sabbath

GC Emails Members: “What Sinful Work Did You Sneak in Last Sabbath?”

SILVER SPRING, Md. — In a bold move inspired by Elon Musk’s federal efficiency crusade, the General Conference (GC) of Seventh-day Adventists emailed all...
Sabbath

9 Ways We’ve Made the Sabbath More Stressful Than Tuesday  

What began as a divine invitation to rest can now resembles a spiritual decathlon—complete with potluck rivalries, sermon analytics, and Sabbath school showdowns. In...

Adventist Culture

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Weimar Campus Security Arrests Salt Smuggler

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Campus security at Weimar University made headlines today after...

Trump Applauds GC for Pioneering Anti-DEI Leadership Long Before it Was Ordered

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In a fiery press conference President Donald Trump praised...

Adventist School Bans Rainbows in Science Class to Avoid ‘Unintended Theological Statements’

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Covenant Hills Adventist Academy has officially banned the display,...

GC Transfers Greenland to North American Division: ‘Better Safe Than Sorry’

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The General Conference of Seventh-day Adventists has announced the...

Adventist Food

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Study Finds Church ‘All Welcome’ Signs Include Fine Print About Dress Code

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BERRIEN SPRINGS, Mich. - An Andrews University study has...

Trump Vows To Cause Second Coming During First 90 Days in Office

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In a shocking announcement from the Oval Office that...

Trump Signs Executive Order Recognizing Only Fritos As Acceptable Haystacks Chips

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In a move that has sent shockwaves through Adventist...

Love at First Sight or Last Resort? A Quiz for Adventist Singles

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This quiz promises to reveal whether your Adventist romance...

Sabbath Observance

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Trump Pulls U.S. Out of General Conference of Seventh-day Adventists

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WASHINGTON, D.C.—In a bold and unexpected executive order signed...

Adventist Rules That Would Make Jesus Say “Wait, What?!”

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We Adventists love our rules. Some are so wild,...

California Adventists Replace 28 Fundamentals With Group Hug

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LOS ANGELES, Calif. — In a move that’s shocked...

Adventist Grandma Insists She Is “Woke” Due to Trusty Alarm Clock

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Local Adventist grandmother, Edna Pritchard, 87, proudly declared herself...

BarelyAdventist is a satire and humor blog focused on Adventist culture and issues. Written by committed Adventists, the goal is to foster growth within the faith community through lighthearted conversation and humor, avoiding soapboxing or angry rants. The blog is not officially endorsed by the General Conference of Seventh-day Adventists.

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