Friday, February 14, 2025
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Ron Kelly Appointed Trump’s Anti-Wokeness Czar

President Donald Trump has announced the appointment of recently terminated Seventh-day Adventist pastor Ron Kelly as US “Anti-Wokeness Czar.” The announcement came via Trump’s Truth Social platform, where he declared,...

Adventist Not Getting Solar Panels Because Jesus Coming Back Before They’ll Pay Off

Local Adventist homeowner Derek Whitmore shocked solar company representatives yesterday when he declined their financing plan for rooftop solar panels, explaining that Jesus would certainly return well before the...

Love at First Sight or Last Resort? A Quiz for Adventist Singles

This quiz promises to reveal whether your Adventist romance is a match made in heaven or just a convenient way to silence your aunt's constant inquiries about your romantic life: When you...

A Used Pathfinder Sash, and Other Presents for Adventists with Inconvenient January Birthdays

Wallet still recovering from Christmas? Fear not! Here's a list of budget-friendly gifts for the Adventist in your life who had the audacity to...

GC Aims to Double Adventist Membership by Requiring Adventists to Have Twice as Many Babies

In a bold move to boost church growth, the General Conference of Seventh-day Adventists has announced a controversial new initiative aimed at doubling the...

Kid Wonders Why Parents Have to Lock Door for “Prayer” Every Sabbath Afternoon

LOMA LINDA, Calif. — Eight-year-old Timmy Holbrook is starting to ask some uncomfortable questions about his parents' Sabbath afternoon habits, sources close to the...

Grown Adventist Man Demands Medal After Teaching Cradleroll Sabbath School

Collegedale, Tenn. — Brad Thompson is demanding a medal and formal recognition from his church board after volunteering to teach the Cradle Roll Sabbath...

Adventist Culture

GC Employee Caught Using VPN to Access Independent Adventist Websites

A General Conference employee was caught red-handed using a...

ADRA Launches ‘Reindeer Retraining Program’ for Post-Holiday Employment

SILVER SPRING, MD — In a groundbreaking initiative that...

Pastor’s Kid Cast as Baby Jesus for 17th Consecutive Year

BERRIEN SPRINGS, Mich. — The annual Christmas nativity play...

Mr. Beast Accepts GC’s Ultimate Challenge: A Billion ‘Great Controversies’ by December 31st

YouTube sensation Mr. Beast has accepted the General Conference's...

Adventist Food

Loma Linda Researchers Claim Pumpkin Pie ‘Technically a Vegetable’

In a groundbreaking announcement that has sent shockwaves through...

Adventist Woman Accidentally Volunteers to Lead Her Own Baby Shower After Habitual ‘Yes’ Reflex Kicks In

Rachel Yeswuman, inadvertently volunteered to organize and lead her...

All Movement Banned During Adventist Song Services

The General Conference of Seventh-day Adventists has announced a...

New Church Program: ‘Adopt-a-Backslider’ Pairs Judgmental Members with ‘Project Cases’

In a groundbreaking initiative aimed at boosting church attendance...

Sabbath Observance

Presidential Pardons Causing Major Backlog in Investigative Judgment

In a stunning development that has celestial record-keepers working...

Study Finds Church ‘All Welcome’ Signs Include Fine Print About Dress Code

BERRIEN SPRINGS, Mich. - An Andrews University study has...

Trump Vows To Cause Second Coming During First 90 Days in Office

In a shocking announcement from the Oval Office that...

Trump Signs Executive Order Recognizing Only Fritos As Acceptable Haystacks Chips

In a move that has sent shockwaves through Adventist...