Literalist Men’s Retreat Ends With Everyone’s Eyes Plucked Out

The “Blind Faith” Men’s Retreat ended today with an entirely eye-less crowd of men trying to find their way out of an auditorium. Speakers at the retreat had advocated a stridently literal Read more […]

GC Auditorium Transformed Into State-Of-The-Art Echo Chamber

SILVER SPRING, Md. — A massive renovation project has transformed the General Conference auditorium into an echo chamber featuring cutting-edge technology that ensures those inside the hall Read more […]

Adventist liberal passionate about open-mindedness as long as it doesn’t challenge his opinions

LOMA LINDA, Calif. — Adventist Liberal Max Chellin has spent much of today in full-on productivity mode, mouthing off in all caps online about the extreme narrow-mindedness of conservatives Read more […]

Pacific Press publishes dictionary of vegetarian curse words

NAMPA, Idaho — “Rats,” “shucks,” “poop,” “fiddlesticks, “phooey,” and “son of a Baptist preacher” are just a sampling of the 144,000 church potluck-friendly expletives published in a comprehensive Read more […]

Literalist Adventist clad in full armor of God not wearing pants

BERRIEN SPRINGS, Mich. — A devout yet slightly odd third generation Adventist walked the streets of Berrien Springs this morning wearing elaborate, highly authentic-looking upper body armor Read more […]

Adventist Church to stock Noah’s Ark replica with every living beast for floating zoo

SILVER SPRING, Md. — The Adventist Church has announced plans to fill a full-scale Noah’s Ark replica with “every living beast” for a floating zoo theme park. The already-built ark replica Read more […]

Students protest as PUC fires faculty, hires robots

ANGWIN, Calif. — Student protestors marched across the campus of Pacific Union College yesterday as the school’s¬†administration announced the termination of all current faculty in favor of Read more […]