New President Alex Bryan Promises Full Scholarships to Walla Walla Students Who Get Married By Christmas

Newly appointed Walla Walla University president Dr. Alex Bryan is wasting no time making his mark on the Adventist school. In a move that has students buzzing, Bryan announced today that WWU students Read more […]

Members Plead for Ceasefire Between Adventism’s Liberal and Conservative Theologians

ADVENTIST WORLD – A growing chorus of regular members has issued a desperate plea for peace between the Adventist denomination’s warring theological factions. “Listen, we appreciate all the passionate Read more […]

Neuralink Places Ted Wilson Chip in All GC Employee Brains To Improve Compliance

Silver Spring, Md. — General Conference President Ted Wilson has taken steps to ensure his vision remains unchallenged by implanting Neuralink chips in the brains of all GC employees. The move Read more […]

How to Argue Adventist-Style and Win (or at Least Come Out with Your Dignity Intact)

Whether we’re discussing new church carpet colors or the intricacies of the Investigative Judgment, we Adventists can disagree with each other pretty strongly from time to time. So, if you’re Read more […]

GC Commemorates Waco By Reminding Members Not To Question Its Authority

Silver Spring, MD – In commemoration of the 30th anniversary of the Waco tragedy, the General Conference of Seventh-day Adventists has issued a statement urging members not to question its authority. “The Read more […]

Preacher Champions Static Inspiration

ROCKSOLID, Mich. — Railing against “all the new-fangled ideas those crazy theologians dream up,” Bert Brakeswell never tires of warning his congregation that all they need is that “old time Read more […]

15 Reasons to be Adventist

As much as it can be good to have a healthy sense of humor about your faith and avoid taking yourself too seriously, it’s also helpful to think carefully about why you’re an Adventist. Here Read more […]

Theologian Spotted On Slippery Slope

Telluride, Colo. — Alarm bells rang all over Adventist academia this morning as a prominent denominational theologian was spotted flying down a slippery slope in Telluride. A flock of commentators Read more […]

Literalist Men’s Retreat Ends With Everyone’s Eyes Plucked Out

The “Blind Faith” Men’s Retreat ended today with an entirely eye-less crowd of men trying to find their way out of an auditorium. Speakers at the retreat had advocated a stridently literal Read more […]

GC Auditorium Transformed Into State-Of-The-Art Echo Chamber

SILVER SPRING, Md. — A massive renovation project has transformed the General Conference auditorium into an echo chamber featuring cutting-edge technology that ensures those inside the hall Read more […]