Neuralink Places Ted Wilson Chip in All GC Employee Brains To Improve Compliance

Silver Spring, Md. — General Conference President Ted Wilson has taken steps to ensure his vision remains unchallenged by implanting Neuralink chips in the brains of all GC employees. The move Read more […]

GC Religious Liberty Department Flags Lack Of Religious Liberty at GC

SILVER SPRING, Md. — “I may not have a job after what I say today,” started General Conference Public Affairs and Religious Liberty spokesperson, Werdin Edgwize, his voice a little wobbly. “But Read more […]

GC celebrates 500th anniversary of Reformation by silencing dissent

SILVER SPRING, Md. — The General Conference headquarters of the Adventist Church celebrated the 500th anniversary of the Protestant Reformation by putting unprecedented effort into silencing Read more […]

Trump deports entirety of Adventist Religious Liberty department to Sweden

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Without so much as a 24-hour warning, US President Donald Trump has deported the entire staff of the Silver Spring, Maryland-based Adventist Public Affairs and Religious Liberty Read more […]

Trump demands to see Ted Wilson’s birth certificate

WASHINGTON, D.C. — US President Donald Trump demanded this afternoon that Maryland-born General Conference President Ted Wilson produce his birth certificate. Trump claimed that he did not Read more […]

Trump to follow ‘Muslim Ban’ with ‘Adventist Ban’

WASHINGTON, D.C. — The newly-minted Trump administration has announced that it will follow its widely-criticized “Muslim Ban” with what it is calling an “Adventist Ban.” Trump’s executive Read more […]

Philippine President Duterte’s Seventh-day Adventist membership application in character review process

MANILA, Philippines — An application for membership in the Seventh-day Adventist Church has been submitted by newly-elected Philippine President Rodrigo Duterte. The church has acknowledged Read more […]