Wilson Bans Adventists From Using Hoverboards, Says They Facilitate Levitation

SILVER SPRING, Md. — General Conference President Ted Wilson has a launched a full scale attack on the international hoverboard craze. After colliding with a caffeinated North American Division Read more […]

Re-elected Wilson Changes GC Session Theme Song to “I Shall Not Be Moved”

ST. LOUIS, Mo. — In remarks immediately following news of his re-election to a third term as General Conference President, Ted Wilson changed the 2022 GC Session theme song from “There is Read more […]

Supreme Court Nominee Pressed On Whether Ted Wilson Should Retire

WASHINGTON, D.C — As the confirmation hearings for US Supreme Court nominee Ketanji Brown Jackson raged yesterday, Jackson was shot a curveball question by Senator Noe Existo (R. Calif) who Read more […]

Ted Wilson Warns Adventists Not To Use Zoom Clap Function For Church

SILVER SPRING, Md. —- This morning, General Conference President Ted Wilson reminded Adventists around the world that clapping in church was not allowed, not even on Zoom. “Some of the Read more […]

Wilson Sets Up Nominating Committee Of One To Replace Jackson

BFFs SILVER SPRING, Md. — Calling North American Division president Dan Jackson, his “brother from another mother,” General Conference President Ted Wilson acted quickly as Jackson’s official Read more […]

Canadian PM Justin Trudeau Admits Ted Wilson Talked Him Into “Pioneer” Beard

PARLIAMENT HILL, Ottawa — The world no longer needs to wonder why Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau has started growing a beard. The idea for the facial hair came from General Conference Read more […]

Wilson on Beards: “I don’t know how James White did it…”

BREAKING NEWS SILVER SPRING, Md. — In an exclusive Adventist News Network interview entirely dedicated to vital beard-growth prep ahead of Annual Council 2018, General Conference President Read more […]