Sunday, October 5, 2025
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How Ready Are You for the Time of Trouble? (Take This Quiz to Find Out!)

So you’ve heard about the Time of Trouble your whole life. The hiding in the mountains, the food shortages, the “only the faithful will stand” drama. But let’s be...
Preaching

Dear Adventist Clock Watchers: We See You

We see you. Every Sabbath. You think you’re being subtle, but no. Your eyes flick up to the wall clock like it owes you tithe. Then back to the...
Adventist entertainment

Stephen Colbert Set To Become First Catholic To Join 3ABN

THOMPSONVILLE, IL — Three Angels Broadcasting Network announced that Stephen Colbert will be its newest on-air personality, but instantly clarified that the move should in no way be seen as ecumenical. “We...
Uncategorized

Why We Adventists Are So Good at Bible Study But So Bad at Living It

Let's be honest, Adventists: We're practically black belts in Bible study. You give us a passage, and we can dissect it, cross-reference it, and...
Second Coming

Adventist Mathematician Calculates Second Coming Will be “Soonish,” Margin of Error ± 1000 Years

In a groundbreaking paper just published in the Journal of Eschatological Speculation & Snack Table Logistics, Dr. Nathaniel Arkadius, an Adventist mathematician from Southern...
Bubbles

New Church Program to Solve Society’s Problems With More Church

Silver Spring, Md. — The General Conference of Seventh-day Adventists announced a new, groundbreaking initiative today called "The Final Answer." This program promises to...
La Sierra University

La Sierra Releases Updated Version of ‘The Great Controversy’ Titled ‘The Great Deconstruction’

RIVERSIDE, CA—In an unprecedented move sending shockwaves through denominational bureaucracy, La Sierra University this week released “The Great Deconstruction,” a fully updated edition of...

Adventist Culture

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GC Announces Portuguese as Official Language of Heaven, Effective Immediately

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SILVER SPRING, MD — In a development that has...

GC President Selection to be Confirmed Via Smoke Signals

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The General Conference announced that the selection of its...

10 Ways to Lose Friends and Influence Nobody: Adventist Edition

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Are you tired of having too many friends? Do...

Pastor’s Sermon on “Shortness of Time” Enters Third Hour

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Members of Sleep Hollow Adventist congregation found themselves reflecting...

Adventist Food

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Ted Wilson to Replace GC Session Parade of Nations with One-Man Fashion Extravaganza

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SILVER SPRING, MD — In a move that has...

Local Adventist Church Baffled by Lack of Community Interest Despite “Obviously Superior Lifestyle”

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Babylon, MD— Members of the Righteousness Heights Seventh-day Adventist...

Nationalist SDA Upset Heaven Includes All Nations, Tribes, Tongues

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TAKOMA PARK, Md. — Local Seventh-day Adventist and self-proclaimed...

Doug Batchelor Deported from Israel After Attempting to Deliver End-Times Charts to Gaza

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TEL AVIV — Israeli authorities deported Amazing Facts president...

Sabbath Observance

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Church Wi-Fi Now Filters Out Sites Without Ellen White Citations

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SILICON VALLEY, Calif. — Adventist tech volunteers across North...

Should we be telling our children Jesus will come in their lifetime?

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My mom did with me, I don't with my...

Prepper Just Wants Time of Trouble To Start Already

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BOISE, Idaho — Local Adventist prepper Jared Martin says...

Jesus Upset Adventists Want to Leave Just as He Is Coming

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In a celestial press release a spokes-angel has revealed...

BarelyAdventist is a satire and humor blog focused on Adventist culture and issues. Written by committed Adventists, the goal is to foster growth within the faith community through lighthearted conversation and humor, avoiding soapboxing or angry rants. The blog is not officially endorsed by the General Conference of Seventh-day Adventists.

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