Church Growth
Membership Transfers Must Now Disclose if Incoming Member is Single
The Adventist Church has decided to update its membership transfer process to reflect the pressing needs of its congregations. Starting this summer, incoming members will now have to disclose...
Church Growth
The Future of Adventism. Can We Survive in a Negative World?
Let's face it, Adventists. We aren't exactly in our finest hour. We struggle with in-fighting over doctrinal issues that divide us. The fact that...
Church Growth
Introvert Escapes Through Church Fire Exit to Avoid Chatty Deacon
It was another scorching Sabbath morning at Tumbleweed Seventh-day Adventist Church and the air conditioning wasn't cooperating. Jared, the quintessential introvert, was already perspiring...
Adventists Speak Up
Why Old School Liberals Are Irrelevant to Young Adventists
#NOTsatire
Attempting to pitch old school liberal Adventist views to today's young Adventists is a bit like trying to convince them that dial-up internet is...
Church Growth
GC Creates Mega Unions Because Church Needs More Committees
SILVER SPRING, Md. — In a move that has Adventists everywhere scratching their heads, the General Conference has announced the creation of a new...
Church Growth
OBG – Adventist churches install isolation pews for chattiest members
SILVER SPRING,Md. --- Seventh-day Adventist churches around the world are being fitted with single-occupant isolation pews this week.
The pews are the latest attempt by...
Church Growth
Church to Introduce Entrance for Introverts – No Greeters
ADVENTIST WORLD - Hot-breath “Happy Sabbaths” and COVID-transmitting handshakes are turning off introverts that just want to be left alone when they come to...
Church Growth
Pastor Loses All Credibility After Cutting Off Deacon On Sabbath Morning
Speedlane, Calif. --- Pastor Cal Rolinstop was already later than usual when he cut off a red SUV in a cartoonishly un-Christlike manner about half...
Church Growth
Adventist deacons issued Super Soakers to wake up church nappers
ADVENTIST WORLD --- Adventist deacons have received the ultimate weapon to combat napping in church: Super Soakers.
Shipments of the high-power water guns arrived at...
Church Growth
All Adventist prayers to feature King James English
SILVER SPRING, Md. --- English-speaking Adventists around the world have been instructed to only use King James English when praying.
Church leaders explained that exclusive...
Church Growth
Adventist churches across America schedule Comey hearings to boost attendance
WASHINGTON, D.C. --- Adventist Churches across America have been stumbling over themselves trying to schedule former FBI Director James Comey for an appearance at...