Pastor Loses All Credibility After Cutting Off Deacon On Sabbath Morning

Speedlane, Calif. — Pastor Cal Rolinstop was already later than usual when he cut off a red SUV in a cartoonishly un-Christlike┬ámanner about half a mile from church last weekend. To the recently-ordained Read more […]

Adventist deacons issued Super Soakers to wake up church nappers

ADVENTIST WORLD — Adventist deacons have received the ultimate weapon to combat napping in church: Super Soakers. Shipments of the high-power water guns arrived at Adventist churches worldwide Read more […]

Adventist churches across America schedule Comey hearings to boost attendance

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Adventist Churches across America have been stumbling over themselves trying to schedule former FBI Director James Comey for an appearance at one of their services. Comey’s Read more […]

Lindsay Lohan finds Mean Girls 2 inspiration from Adventist Church cliques

HOLLYWOOD, Calif. — Lindsay Lohan says that she found the inspiration for the Mean Girls 2 movie that she wants to make from studying cliques at Adventist churches. Having heard that the Read more […]

General Conference bans church board meetings, claims they delay Second Coming

BREAKING NEWS SILVER SPRING, Md. — The General Conference of Seventh-day Adventists has banned local church board meetings across the denomination after its own biblical researchers blamed Read more […]

A third of Adventist pastors face termination for being too boring

SILVER SPRING, Md. — A leak from high-level personnel discussions at the General Conference of Seventh-day Adventists indicates that the denomination is on the verge of terminating the employment Read more […]

Bald Adventist pastor wonders why bears aren’t devouring his critics

CRANKY CORNER, Mont. — Senior Pastor Fred Uhp of Mockingjay Lane Seventh-day Adventist Church has begun to openly complain to his staff about the lack of dangerous wildlife surrounding the church Read more […]