Membership Transfers Must Now Disclose if Incoming Member is Single

The Adventist Church has decided to update its membership transfer process to reflect the pressing needs of its congregations. Starting this summer, incoming members will now have to disclose their Read more […]

The Future of Adventism. Can We Survive in a Negative World?

Let’s face it, Adventists. We aren’t exactly in our finest hour. We struggle with in-fighting over doctrinal issues that divide us. The fact that Jesus hasn’t yet returned is forcing us to redefine Read more […]

Introvert Escapes Through Church Fire Exit to Avoid Chatty Deacon

It was another scorching Sabbath morning at Tumbleweed Seventh-day Adventist Church and the air conditioning wasn’t cooperating. Jared, the quintessential introvert, was already perspiring through Read more […]

Why Old School Liberals Are Irrelevant to Young Adventists

#NOTsatire Attempting to pitch old school liberal Adventist views to today’s young Adventists is a bit like trying to convince them that dial-up internet is the future of connectivity. It’s Read more […]

GC Creates Mega Unions Because Church Needs More Committees

SILVER SPRING, Md. — In a move that has Adventists everywhere scratching their heads, the General Conference has announced the creation of a new layer of bureaucracy to add to the already labyrinthine Read more […]

OBG – Adventist churches install isolation pews for chattiest members

SILVER SPRING,Md. — Seventh-day Adventist churches around the world are being fitted with single-occupant isolation pews this week. The pews are the latest attempt by church leaders to combat Read more […]

Church to Introduce Entrance for Introverts – No Greeters

ADVENTIST WORLD – Hot-breath “Happy Sabbaths” and COVID-transmitting handshakes are turning off introverts that just want to be left alone when they come to church on Sabbath morning. After Read more […]

Pastor Loses All Credibility After Cutting Off Deacon On Sabbath Morning

Speedlane, Calif. — Pastor Cal Rolinstop was already later than usual when he cut off a red SUV in a cartoonishly un-Christlike manner about half a mile from church last weekend. To the recently-ordained Read more […]

Adventist deacons issued Super Soakers to wake up church nappers

ADVENTIST WORLD — Adventist deacons have received the ultimate weapon to combat napping in church: Super Soakers. Shipments of the high-power water guns arrived at Adventist churches worldwide Read more […]