Why Old School Liberals Are Irrelevant to Young Adventists

#NOTsatire Attempting to pitch old school liberal Adventist views to today’s young Adventists is a bit like trying to convince them that dial-up internet is the future of connectivity. It’s Read more […]

GC Creates Mega Unions Because Church Needs More Committees

SILVER SPRING, Md. — In a move that has Adventists everywhere scratching their heads, the General Conference has announced the creation of a new layer of bureaucracy to add to the already labyrinthine Read more […]

OBG – Adventist churches install isolation pews for chattiest members

SILVER SPRING,Md. — Seventh-day Adventist churches around the world are being fitted with single-occupant isolation pews this week. The pews are the latest attempt by church leaders to combat Read more […]

Church to Introduce Entrance for Introverts – No Greeters

ADVENTIST WORLD – Hot-breath “Happy Sabbaths” and COVID-transmitting handshakes are turning off introverts that just want to be left alone when they come to church on Sabbath morning. After Read more […]

Pastor Loses All Credibility After Cutting Off Deacon On Sabbath Morning

Speedlane, Calif. — Pastor Cal Rolinstop was already later than usual when he cut off a red SUV in a cartoonishly un-Christlike manner about half a mile from church last weekend. To the recently-ordained Read more […]

Adventist deacons issued Super Soakers to wake up church nappers

ADVENTIST WORLD — Adventist deacons have received the ultimate weapon to combat napping in church: Super Soakers. Shipments of the high-power water guns arrived at Adventist churches worldwide Read more […]

Adventist churches across America schedule Comey hearings to boost attendance

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Adventist Churches across America have been stumbling over themselves trying to schedule former FBI Director James Comey for an appearance at one of their services. Comey’s Read more […]

Lindsay Lohan finds Mean Girls 2 inspiration from Adventist Church cliques

HOLLYWOOD, Calif. — Lindsay Lohan says that she found the inspiration for the Mean Girls 2 movie that she wants to make from studying cliques at Adventist churches. Having heard that the Read more […]

Number of Adventists in Canada triples after US election

OSHAWA, Ontario — The headquarters of the Adventist Church in Canada is reporting tremendous growth this week. In a mere 48 hours, church officials said that the number of Adventists in the Read more […]