Beelzebub’s Bulletin
Dear Adventists, You guys are the best! You’ve come a long way from your annoying beginnings. All this openness to new light from my Adversary was really freaking me out when you got started Read more […]
Category: General Conference
Heaven’s List of Redeemed Under GC Scrutiny
The General Conference has submitted a formal reminder to heaven that GCADCOM needs to review the list of anyone who will be admitted through the Pearly Gates. The reminder, based on a new Read more […]
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Neuralink Places Ted Wilson Chip in All GC Employee Brains To Improve Compliance
Silver Spring, Md. — General Conference President Ted Wilson has taken steps to ensure his vision remains unchallenged by implanting Neuralink chips in the brains of all GC employees. The move Read more […]
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General Conference to Build Skyscraper HQ to Literally be “Highest Authority on Earth”
Silver Spring, Md. — In a groundbreaking announcement, the General Conference has revealed plans to construct a towering skyscraper that will serve as the literal “Highest Authority on Earth.” The Read more […]
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Noah’s Ark Construction To Take Extra 100 Years After GC Compliance Committee Visit
ANCIENT MESOPOTAMIA – Earlier today — just as Noah and his family members were about to put what they assumed were the final touches on the construction of the ark — they were visited by a Read more […]
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GC Commemorates Waco By Reminding Members Not To Question Its Authority
Silver Spring, MD – In commemoration of the 30th anniversary of the Waco tragedy, the General Conference of Seventh-day Adventists has issued a statement urging members not to question its authority. “The Read more […]
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GC Forms Human Sexuality Task Force to Ensure That LGBT+ Members Are Treated With Love and Respect, as Long as They Don’t Act on Their Orientation
SILVER SPRING, MD – In response to growing concerns about the influence of LGBT+ individuals within the Adventist Church, the General Conference has announced the formation of a new task force aimed Read more […]
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SATIRE – COMPLAINT FOR UNAUTHORIZED USE OF TRADEMARKED PHRASE “HIGHEST AUTHORITY ON EARTH” FILED BY GC AGAINST VATICAN
COMPLAINT FOR UNAUTHORIZED USE OF TRADEMARKED PHRASE “HIGHEST AUTHORITY ON EARTH” FILED BY GC AGAINST VATICAN Plaintiff, General Conference of over-traveled executives, brings this action against Read more […]
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Pastor Saša Gunjević First Adventist Pastor To Maintain Credentials After Wearing Non-Regulation Socks
Pastor Sasha Gunjević of Hamburg-Grindelberg Adventist Church has made international Adventist headlines lately for sporting non-regulation socks during his sermons. The pastor is the first Adventist Read more […]
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Commission on Adventist Beard Grooming And 12 Other New GC Departments Opening Today
The General Conference has gone on a hiring spree and is forming 13 new “essential” departments. Here they are! Commission on Adventist Beard Grooming: Regulating the length and style Read more […]
