GC Session Won’t Feature Seating For Women’s Ordination Fans

Due to what General Conference Session organizers termed “post-COVID space considerations” the upcoming meetings will not feature seating or yellow vote cards for supporters of women’s Read more […]

Controversial Vote To Decide Location Of Second Coming Lift-Off Area In GC Parking Lot

SILVER SPRING, Md. – Later today, General Conference leaders will be voting on the hotly-debated topic of where in the HQ’s parking lot to gather at the time of the Second Coming. So far nobody Read more […]

Comedy Central Welcomes Aboard Retiring GC Exec Secretary GT Ng

In a bid to diversify its programming, Comedy Central has signed retiring General Conference Executive Secretary, GT Ng. Known as the funniest Adventist alive, the Singaporean will host Committee Read more […]

Nobody Celebrating Unbroken Record Of White, Male GC Leadership

SILVER SPRING, Md. — The traditional ivory white sheet cake at the annual gathering of Adventist Heritage Enthusiasts was dispensed with this year due to the difficulty of sharing cake via Read more […]

Bleak Prospects: Silver Spring 7-Elevens Flooded With Applications From Panicked GC Officials Facing Election Season

SILVER SPRING, Md. — 7-Eleven stores in the Silver Spring area have run out of application forms after being flooded by employment requests from GC officials worried about their re-election Read more […]