Bad Driver’s Guardian Angel On Stress Leave
HEAVEN — After enduring several traffic close calls this week due to the horrendous driving of his 25-year-old protectee, guardian angel Passencius filed for stress leave this morning. “Brad Read more […]
Category: General Conference
Marie Kondo to GC: Which Fundamental Beliefs “Spark Joy?”
SILVER SPRING, Md. — In a presentation to overwhelmed General Conference leaders this morning, Japanese organization consultant, Marie Kondo, urged the group to declutter their approach to faith. “Holding Read more […]
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Billion-Copy ‘Great Controversy’ Distribution Hastens Second Coming Through Deforestation
SILVER SPRING, Md. — There’s a twist to General Conference plans to distribute a billion copies of The Great Controversy. “We could just have emailed a billion PDFs to people but we aren’t Read more […]
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GC Session Won’t Feature Seating For Women’s Ordination Fans
Due to what General Conference Session organizers termed “post-COVID space considerations” the upcoming meetings will not feature seating or yellow vote cards for supporters of women’s Read more […]
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Controversial Vote To Decide Location Of Second Coming Lift-Off Area In GC Parking Lot
SILVER SPRING, Md. – Later today, General Conference leaders will be voting on the hotly-debated topic of where in the HQ’s parking lot to gather at the time of the Second Coming. So far nobody Read more […]
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Comedy Central Welcomes Aboard Retiring GC Exec Secretary GT Ng
In a bid to diversify its programming, Comedy Central has signed retiring General Conference Executive Secretary, GT Ng. Known as the funniest Adventist alive, the Singaporean will host Committee Read more […]
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Biden’s Dog Joins GC Security
SILVER SPRING, Md. – With news that one of US President Joe Biden’s dogs was being removed from the White House over a biting incident involving White House security, the General Conference of Seventh-day Read more […]
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GC San Antonio Voting Tech To Rescue US Election
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Foolproof voting tech guaranteed to prevent any kind of foul play or delay in results has been identified to rescue the US general election from voter fraud. The General Read more […]
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Nobody Celebrating Unbroken Record Of White, Male GC Leadership
SILVER SPRING, Md. — The traditional ivory white sheet cake at the annual gathering of Adventist Heritage Enthusiasts was dispensed with this year due to the difficulty of sharing cake via Read more […]
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Adventist Potluck Olympics Cancelled
SILVER SPRING, Md. — The entire Adventist world is fighting back tears at the news that the denomination’s defining event – Potluck Olympics – has been cancelled due to the coronavirus Read more […]
