Heaven’s List of Redeemed Under GC Scrutiny

The General Conference has submitted a formal reminder to heaven that GCADCOM needs to review the list of anyone who will be admitted through the Pearly Gates. The reminder, based on a new Read more […]

Neuralink Places Ted Wilson Chip in All GC Employee Brains To Improve Compliance

Silver Spring, Md. — General Conference President Ted Wilson has taken steps to ensure his vision remains unchallenged by implanting Neuralink chips in the brains of all GC employees. The move Read more […]

General Conference to Build Skyscraper HQ to Literally be “Highest Authority on Earth”

Silver Spring, Md. — In a groundbreaking announcement, the General Conference has revealed plans to construct a towering skyscraper that will serve as the literal “Highest Authority on Earth.” The Read more […]

Noah’s Ark Construction To Take Extra 100 Years After GC Compliance Committee Visit

ANCIENT MESOPOTAMIA – Earlier today — just as Noah and his family members were about to put what they assumed were the final touches on the construction of the ark — they were visited by a Read more […]

GC Commemorates Waco By Reminding Members Not To Question Its Authority

Silver Spring, MD – In commemoration of the 30th anniversary of the Waco tragedy, the General Conference of Seventh-day Adventists has issued a statement urging members not to question its authority. “The Read more […]

GC Forms Human Sexuality Task Force to Ensure That LGBT+ Members Are Treated With Love and Respect, as Long as They Don’t Act on Their Orientation

SILVER SPRING, MD – In response to growing concerns about the influence of LGBT+ individuals within the Adventist Church, the General Conference has announced the formation of a new task force aimed Read more […]


COMPLAINT FOR UNAUTHORIZED USE OF TRADEMARKED PHRASE “HIGHEST AUTHORITY ON EARTH” FILED BY GC AGAINST VATICAN Plaintiff, General Conference of over-traveled executives, brings this action against Read more […]

Pastor Saša Gunjević First Adventist Pastor To Maintain Credentials After Wearing Non-Regulation Socks

Pastor Sasha Gunjević of Hamburg-Grindelberg Adventist Church has made international Adventist headlines lately for sporting non-regulation socks during his sermons. The pastor is the first Adventist Read more […]

Commission on Adventist Beard Grooming And 12 Other New GC Departments Opening Today

The General Conference has gone on a hiring spree and is forming 13 new “essential” departments. Here they are! Commission on Adventist Beard Grooming: Regulating the length and style Read more […]