Marie Kondo to GC: Which Fundamental Beliefs “Spark Joy?”

SILVER SPRING, Md. — In a presentation to overwhelmed General Conference leaders this morning, Japanese organization consultant, Marie Kondo, urged the group to declutter their approach to faith. “Holding Read more […]

Billion-Copy ‘Great Controversy’ Distribution Hastens Second Coming Through Deforestation

SILVER SPRING, Md. — There’s a twist to General Conference plans to distribute a billion copies of The Great Controversy. “We could just have emailed a billion PDFs to people but we aren’t Read more […]

GC Session Won’t Feature Seating For Women’s Ordination Fans

Due to what General Conference Session organizers termed “post-COVID space considerations” the upcoming meetings will not feature seating or yellow vote cards for supporters of women’s Read more […]

Controversial Vote To Decide Location Of Second Coming Lift-Off Area In GC Parking Lot

SILVER SPRING, Md. – Later today, General Conference leaders will be voting on the hotly-debated topic of where in the HQ’s parking lot to gather at the time of the Second Coming. So far nobody Read more […]

Nobody Celebrating Unbroken Record Of White, Male GC Leadership

SILVER SPRING, Md. — The traditional ivory white sheet cake at the annual gathering of Adventist Heritage Enthusiasts was dispensed with this year due to the difficulty of sharing cake via Read more […]