Noah’s Ark Construction To Take Extra 100 Years After GC Compliance Committee Visit

ANCIENT MESOPOTAMIA – Earlier today — just as Noah and his family members were about to put what they assumed were the final touches on the construction of the ark — they were visited by a Read more […]

GC Commemorates Waco By Reminding Members Not To Question Its Authority

Silver Spring, MD – In commemoration of the 30th anniversary of the Waco tragedy, the General Conference of Seventh-day Adventists has issued a statement urging members not to question its authority. “The Read more […]

GC Forms Human Sexuality Task Force to Ensure That LGBT+ Members Are Treated With Love and Respect, as Long as They Don’t Act on Their Orientation

SILVER SPRING, MD – In response to growing concerns about the influence of LGBT+ individuals within the Adventist Church, the General Conference has announced the formation of a new task force aimed Read more […]


COMPLAINT FOR UNAUTHORIZED USE OF TRADEMARKED PHRASE “HIGHEST AUTHORITY ON EARTH” FILED BY GC AGAINST VATICAN Plaintiff, General Conference of over-traveled executives, brings this action against Read more […]

Pastor Saša Gunjević First Adventist Pastor To Maintain Credentials After Wearing Non-Regulation Socks

Pastor Sasha Gunjević of Hamburg-Grindelberg Adventist Church has made international Adventist headlines lately for sporting non-regulation socks during his sermons. The pastor is the first Adventist Read more […]

Commission on Adventist Beard Grooming And 12 Other New GC Departments Opening Today

The General Conference has gone on a hiring spree and is forming 13 new “essential” departments. Here they are! Commission on Adventist Beard Grooming: Regulating the length and style Read more […]

GC Creates Mega Unions Because Church Needs More Committees

SILVER SPRING, Md. — In a move that has Adventists everywhere scratching their heads, the General Conference has announced the creation of a new layer of bureaucracy to add to the already labyrinthine Read more […]

GC Transformed Into Nursing Home As Average Employee Age Surpasses 75

SILVER SPRING, Md. — The General Conference building is undergoing major refurbishment after HR finally stated the obvious: employees are so old the place should just be a nursing home. As Read more […]