Starbucks Releases GC-Branded Mugs
SILVER SPRING, MD. — This week Starbucks launched a new line of drinkware in Silver Spring, Maryland. Instead of branding mugs with the name of the city, the coffee giant decided instead to Read more […]
Category: General Conference
Little Debbie Elected First Female GC President
ST. LOUIS, Mo. — For the first time in history, a female has been elected president of the General Conference. Little Debbie won the position by a landslide vote of nominating committee Read more […]
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GC “I Will Go” Slogan Changed to “I Will Zoom”
SILVER SRING, Md. — In anticipation of a sparsely-attended General Conference Session this summer, church leadership has changed its I Will Go strategic plan slogan to something more feasible: Read more […]
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Bad Driver’s Guardian Angel On Stress Leave
HEAVEN — After enduring several traffic close calls this week due to the horrendous driving of his 25-year-old protectee, guardian angel Passencius filed for stress leave this morning. “Brad Read more […]
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Marie Kondo to GC: Which Fundamental Beliefs “Spark Joy?”
SILVER SPRING, Md. — In a presentation to overwhelmed General Conference leaders this morning, Japanese organization consultant, Marie Kondo, urged the group to declutter their approach to faith. “Holding Read more […]
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Billion-Copy ‘Great Controversy’ Distribution Hastens Second Coming Through Deforestation
SILVER SPRING, Md. — There’s a twist to General Conference plans to distribute a billion copies of The Great Controversy. “We could just have emailed a billion PDFs to people but we aren’t Read more […]
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GC Session Won’t Feature Seating For Women’s Ordination Fans
Due to what General Conference Session organizers termed “post-COVID space considerations” the upcoming meetings will not feature seating or yellow vote cards for supporters of women’s Read more […]
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Controversial Vote To Decide Location Of Second Coming Lift-Off Area In GC Parking Lot
SILVER SPRING, Md. – Later today, General Conference leaders will be voting on the hotly-debated topic of where in the HQ’s parking lot to gather at the time of the Second Coming. So far nobody Read more […]
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Comedy Central Welcomes Aboard Retiring GC Exec Secretary GT Ng
In a bid to diversify its programming, Comedy Central has signed retiring General Conference Executive Secretary, GT Ng. Known as the funniest Adventist alive, the Singaporean will host Committee Read more […]
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Biden’s Dog Joins GC Security
SILVER SPRING, Md. – With news that one of US President Joe Biden’s dogs was being removed from the White House over a biting incident involving White House security, the General Conference of Seventh-day Read more […]
