GC Transformed Into Nursing Home As Average Employee Age Surpasses 75

SILVER SPRING, Md. — The General Conference building is undergoing major refurbishment after HR finally stated the obvious: employees are so old the place should just be a nursing home. As Read more […]

Bad Driver’s Guardian Angel On Stress Leave

HEAVEN — After enduring several traffic close calls this week due to the horrendous driving of his 25-year-old protectee, guardian angel Passencius filed for stress leave this morning. “Brad Read more […]

Marie Kondo to GC: Which Fundamental Beliefs “Spark Joy?”

SILVER SPRING, Md. — In a presentation to overwhelmed General Conference leaders this morning, Japanese organization consultant, Marie Kondo, urged the group to declutter their approach to faith. “Holding Read more […]

Billion-Copy ‘Great Controversy’ Distribution Hastens Second Coming Through Deforestation

SILVER SPRING, Md. — There’s a twist to General Conference plans to distribute a billion copies of The Great Controversy. “We could just have emailed a billion PDFs to people but we aren’t Read more […]

GC Session Won’t Feature Seating For Women’s Ordination Fans

Due to what General Conference Session organizers termed “post-COVID space considerations” the upcoming meetings will not feature seating or yellow vote cards for supporters of women’s Read more […]

Controversial Vote To Decide Location Of Second Coming Lift-Off Area In GC Parking Lot

SILVER SPRING, Md. – Later today, General Conference leaders will be voting on the hotly-debated topic of where in the HQ’s parking lot to gather at the time of the Second Coming. So far nobody Read more […]

Comedy Central Welcomes Aboard Retiring GC Exec Secretary GT Ng

In a bid to diversify its programming, Comedy Central has signed retiring General Conference Executive Secretary, GT Ng. Known as the funniest Adventist alive, the Singaporean will host Committee Read more […]