Heaven’s List of Redeemed Under GC Scrutiny

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The General Conference has submitted a formal reminder to heaven that GCADCOM needs to review the list of anyone who will be admitted through the Pearly Gates.

The reminder, based on a new GC policy of “heavenly audits and visa applications,” says that unless candidates for Heaven live up to every one of the edicts of the latest Annual Council Sabbath sermon they should not expect to enter into eternity.

The policy warns against the dangers of “getting to gracey in one’s thinking” and assuming salvation is available without at least a cursory understanding of Last Generation Theology.

“We just want to make sure that Heaven maintains its standards,” said an unsmiling GC exec, “We can’t have just any La Sierra grad waltzing into Paradise, you know.”


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