Monday, April 21, 2025

Sevvy

New Union Created for Anti-Vaxxers: NAD Announces PureBlood Union Conference

COLUMBIA, Md. – In a move that has raised eyebrows and lowered vaccination rates, the North American Division (NAD) of Seventh-day Adventists has unveiled...

Tariff-Induced Market Crash Leaves Adventists Banking on Eternity

SILVER SPRING, MD — A record number of Seventh-day Adventists are proclaiming that their true riches are in heaven following a catastrophic crash in...

GC Slaps 49% Tithe Hike On Pro-Women’s Ordination Regions

SILVER SPRING, Md.– In a move that’s got Adventists worldwide clutching their wallets, the General Conference (GC) announced a jaw-dropping tithe hike this week,...

5 Reasons Jesus Isn’t Back Yet

As Adventists we are impatient for Jesus to come back. Truth be told, we are embarrassed he hasn’t yet returned. Here are some reasons...

Middle-Aged Adventist Skipping Gym, Banking on Six Pack in Heaven Soon

COLLEGEDALE, TN—Local Adventist Gary Hendershot, 47, has officially canceled his gym membership at the Hulsey Wellness Center, citing theological certainty that Jesus will deliver...

White House in Hot Water After War Plans Leak Via Adventist Prayer Group

Washington, D.C. – The Trump administration is neck-deep in a boiling scandal after classified military plans splashed out of a Pentagon briefing room and...

Adventist Nutritionists Solve Egg Shortage by Not Caring About Eggs

With egg prices soaring Adventist nutritionists across the denomination are basking in a glow of self-righteousness brighter than a Loma Linda sunrise. These plant-based...

Trump Pulls U.S. Out of General Conference of Seventh-day Adventists

WASHINGTON, D.C.—In a bold and unexpected executive order signed this morning, President Donald Trump announced that the United States is officially withdrawing from the...

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