Monday, February 10, 2025

Legalism

New Church Program: ‘Adopt-a-Backslider’ Pairs Judgmental Members with ‘Project Cases’

In a groundbreaking initiative aimed at boosting church attendance and fostering spiritual growth, the Piety Hills Seventh-day Adventist Church has launched its controversial "Adopt-a-Backslider" program. This innovative outreach effort...

Adventist Runner Disqualified from Marathon for Refusing to Pin on Number, Citing Leviticus

BOSTON, Mass. — An Adventist runner was disqualified from the Boston Marathon this year after refusing to pin his race bib to his shirt,...

Marriage On Rocks Due to Clashing Sabbath Dishwashing Beliefs

It all began innocently enough when both Sam and Lily Thompson stumbled into their kitchen and found themselves knee-deep in a festive seven-layered mess...

Member Rejecting Cheap Grace Not So Hot on Actual Grace Either

Jeff Larson has revealed that his disdain for "cheap grace" extends far beyond its superficial ease. According to sources close to the piously particular...

Local Adventist Congratulates Himself on Not Coveting His Neighbor’s Ox

While exhibiting numerous other spiritual shortcomings on a daily basis, local Adventist Blake Hemsley reportedly patted himself on the back this week for successfully...

Why Are Adventists Afraid of God?

Perfect love drives out all fear but for some reason, a lot of us Adventists seem to actually be afraid of God. Not in...

Local Legalist Pretty Sure He Can Stop Sinning by Labor Day

Brother Jebediah "Jeb"ediah Finch, a pillar of the Tightly-Laced Tabernacle Seventh-day Adventist Church, is feeling optimistic. No, not about the price of avocados (although,...

Old Testament Literalist Pumped About Bringing Back Stoning

A self-professed Bible scholar and occasional Wilderness SDA usher known locally as "Rock-Hurling Randy” is convinced that society has gone astray from its righteous...

Report: Non-Adventists Going to Heaven

BREAKING NEWS: Legalists across the Adventist world were rushed to hospital today after sustaining panic attacks at the unwelcome report from leading denominational theologians...

Last Generation Theologian Frustrated He’s Only 99% Perfect

BUTTONED UP, Tenn. — Last Generation theologian, Solo Opera, took a break from his prophetic timeline charts this afternoon, to take a 30-minute standardized...

Spelling-Challenged Pastor Blames Typos On Devil

Alphabet Lane, Calif. - Over the last month Pastor Mel Eskribir has treated his frustrated flock to glaring typos in multiple emails, e-bulletins and...