Local Legalist Pretty Sure He Can Stop Sinning by Labor Day

Brother Jebediah “Jeb”ediah Finch, a pillar of the Tightly-Laced Tabernacle Seventh-day Adventist Church, is feeling optimistic. No, not about the price of avocados (although, that is rough). Jeb Read more […]

Old Testament Literalist Pumped About Bringing Back Stoning

A self-professed Bible scholar and occasional Wilderness SDA usher known locally as “Rock-Hurling Randy” is convinced that society has gone astray from its righteous roots and is determined Read more […]

Last Generation Theologian Frustrated He’s Only 99% Perfect

BUTTONED UP, Tenn. — Last Generation theologian, Solo Opera, took a break from his prophetic timeline charts this afternoon, to take a 30-minute standardized holiness test. Opera was hugely Read more […]

Portland Adventist Against Works-Based Theology / Work In General

PORTLAND, Ore. – Area Adventist Hans Ärlat has made it his life’s purpose to fight the legalists that dare disturb his comfortable status as infallible armchair theologian. Ärlat lectures Read more […]

Literalist Men’s Retreat Ends With Everyone’s Eyes Plucked Out

The “Blind Faith” Men’s Retreat ended today with an entirely eye-less crowd of men trying to find their way out of an auditorium. Speakers at the retreat had advocated a stridently literal Read more […]