PORTLAND, Ore. – Area Adventist Hans Ärlat has made it his life’s purpose to fight the legalists that dare disturb his comfortable status as infallible armchair theologian. Ärlat lectures fellow church members who show the least bit of initiative in an area, warning them of the dangers of putting any emphasis at all on works. He has absolutely refused to join any neighborhood clean-up efforts and publicly called out the Pharisee that dared comment on his grace-based approach to walking into pre-lockdown church services five minutes before the end of the sermon. Ärlat is currently job hunting after boldly witnessing to his former boss about his need to abstain from work on Sabbath and every other day of the week.
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