Berrien Springs, Mich. – Pioneer Memorial Church Senior Pastor and acclaimed swordsman Dwight Nelson has laid down the law for his congregation: Anyone that ignores PMC social distancing protocol with feel the full force of his newly-purchased lightsaber. “Lookit: I don’t care if you guys haven’t seen each other since grade school and are wearing double face masks, I will slice you up with this thing if I see you getting too close,” said Nelson, waiving the lightsaber dramatically last Sabbath. The evangelist reminded his congregation he’d grown up in Japan. “Don’t think I’ve forgotten my Ninja moves,” he warned, staring straight at a theology major in the front row who had spent all service trying to get the attention of a girl in the next pew.
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