Dwight Nelson Enforcing PMC Social Distancing With Lightsaber

“Support the BarelyAdventist team by joining our Patreon community or leaving a PayPal tip - it means the world to us.”

Berrien Springs, Mich. – Pioneer Memorial Church Senior Pastor and acclaimed swordsman Dwight Nelson has laid down the law for his congregation: Anyone that ignores PMC social distancing protocol with feel the full force of his newly-purchased lightsaber. “Lookit: I don’t care if you guys haven’t seen each other since grade school and are wearing double face masks, I will slice you up with this thing if I see you getting too close,” said Nelson, waiving the lightsaber dramatically last Sabbath. The evangelist reminded his congregation he’d grown up in Japan. “Don’t think I’ve forgotten my Ninja moves,” he warned, staring straight at a theology major in the front row who had spent all service trying to get the attention of a girl in the next pew.



You’ve had your fix of satire. Now head over to Adventist Today for current events updates, analysis and opinion on all things Adventist.


(Visited 584 times, 1 visits today)

One comment

  1. Richard Mills

    I say to Dwight-“Go for it!!” This little light of mine is gonna shine on youse bruddas&sistas. Wake up!. I am practicing social distance with my car while driving. Practice social distance with my new girl friend. In fact, many of my church members have been practicing social distance for a number of years due to my SDA conservative thinking. Some religious communities call it”shunning”.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *