Altar Call Length Doubled To Make Up For Time Lost During COVID

SILVER SPRING, Md. – The General Conference Office of Quality Assurance has announced that, as churches start to open up for in-person services, altar call will need to be twice as long. “COVID Read more […]

Boris Johnson Commits To Taking Christian Grooming And Manners Pathfinder Honor

LONDON, UK – In response to political pressure to sort out his hair, British Prime Minister Boris Johnson has committed to taking radical action in 2021. Standing at a podium, with hair completely Read more […]

Biden Calls For Forgiveness Of Southern Adventist University Student Fine Debt

WASHINGTON, D.C. – US President-Elect Joe Biden has called for immediate congressional action to cancel “crippling Southern Adventist University fine debt.” The politician said that “no Read more […]

Amy Coney Barrett Confirmed As Fodder For Future Prophecy Seminars

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Hours ago, the US Senate confirmed Judge Amy Coney Barrett to the Supreme Court in a victory for Adventist prophecy seminars everywhere. The 48-year-old Roman Catholic Read more […]

La Sierra Announces Exclusively Online Dating For Fall

RIVERSIDE, Calif. — La Sierra University students hoping for romance this fall may have to settle for virtual flirting. As part of its announcement that classes would all be online for Read more […]

Fundamental Beliefs Back Down To 27 Due To Budget Cuts

SILVER SPRING, Md. — Adventist leaders have decided to condense the steadily-growing number of denominational fundamental beliefs to 27 in response to a push to slash budgets. “We realize Read more […]