Biden Calls For Forgiveness Of Southern Adventist University Student Fine Debt

WASHINGTON, D.C. – US President-Elect Joe Biden has called for immediate congressional action to cancel “crippling Southern Adventist University fine debt.” The politician said that “no Read more […]

Amy Coney Barrett Confirmed As Fodder For Future Prophecy Seminars

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Hours ago, the US Senate confirmed Judge Amy Coney Barrett to the Supreme Court in a victory for Adventist prophecy seminars everywhere. The 48-year-old Roman Catholic Read more […]

La Sierra Announces Exclusively Online Dating For Fall

RIVERSIDE, Calif. — La Sierra University students hoping for romance this fall may have to settle for virtual flirting. As part of its announcement that classes would all be online for Read more […]

Fundamental Beliefs Back Down To 27 Due To Budget Cuts

SILVER SPRING, Md. — Adventist leaders have decided to condense the steadily-growing number of denominational fundamental beliefs to 27 in response to a push to slash budgets. “We realize Read more […]

No News Is Good News: It’s Been A While Since Women’s Ordination Has Been In Adventist News So It’s Safe To Assume It’s All Been Solved By Now

Over the last few months, nobody’s been saying much about women’s ordination. We’re guessing that’s because we Adventists have officially worked the whole thing out. Who knew we had it in us Read more […]