Song Service Leader On His 4th “Happy Sabbath Church!” Clearly Just Killing Time

Leafy Glen, Tenn. – His first overly-chipper “Happy Sabbath Church!” helped snap members out of their late morning slumber at the start of divine service last weekend. The (predictable) repeat Read more […]

Adventists Resolve To Make It To Church On Time At Some Point In 2020

LOMA LINDA, Calif. — Friends and relatives of the Hopplös family have been roped into holding them accountable to their New Year’s resolution of making it to time on church once in 2020. Read more […]

Tesla Update Prevents Adventists from Driving To Restaurants On Sabbath

PALO ALTO, Calif. — In its latest software update, Tesla has included an “Adventist” feature that cross references Adventist membership records with customer lists. Wherever there is a match, Read more […]

Literalist Men’s Retreat Ends With Everyone’s Eyes Plucked Out

The “Blind Faith” Men’s Retreat ended today with an entirely eye-less crowd of men trying to find their way out of an auditorium. Speakers at the retreat had advocated a stridently literal Read more […]