BREAKING NEWS: Legalists across the Adventist world were rushed to hospital today after sustaining panic attacks at the unwelcome report from leading denominational theologians that non-Adventists will be in heaven.
The theologians posted the report in the middle of the night to minimize the chance of the news spreading too far but, unlucky for them, a lone conspiracy theorist, burning the midnight oil while hunting for new material, spotted the upload and immediately attacked it on Twitter.
Aghast at the biblical evidence for non-discriminatory grace, exclusivists are meeting in prayer huddles all day today, imploring heaven for an immigration-busting fence that could at least ensure some peace and quiet in a heavenly Adventist suburb.
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