Report: Non-Adventists Going to Heaven

“Support the BarelyAdventist team by joining our Patreon community or leaving a PayPal tip - it means the world to us.”

BREAKING NEWS: Legalists across the Adventist world were rushed to hospital today after sustaining panic attacks at the unwelcome report from leading denominational theologians that non-Adventists will be in heaven. 

The theologians posted the report in the middle of the night to minimize the chance of the news spreading too far but, unlucky for them, a lone conspiracy theorist, burning the midnight oil while hunting for new material, spotted the upload and immediately attacked it on Twitter.

Aghast at the biblical evidence for non-discriminatory grace, exclusivists are meeting in prayer huddles all day today, imploring heaven for an immigration-busting fence that could at least ensure some peace and quiet in a heavenly Adventist suburb.

---

SPONSORED LINKS

You’ve had your fix of satire. Now head over to Adventist Today for current events updates, analysis and opinion on all things Adventist.

Follow @BarelyAdventist

.