Old Testament Literalist Pumped About Bringing Back Stoning

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A self-professed Bible scholar and occasional Wilderness SDA usher known locally as “Rock-Hurling Randy” is convinced that society has gone astray from its righteous roots and is determined to set things straight, one rock at a time.

Randy, who spends his weekends meticulously crafting historically accurate stoning implements, claims that he’s just following the Bible to the letter.

“The Old Testament clearly prescribes stoning as the punishment for various offenses, and I take my spiritual responsibility as seriously as James White took his beard,” he declares while demonstrating his precision stone-throwing technique in the church parking lot after potluck.

During one of his stone-throwing demonstrations, he accidentally hit a parked car, setting off its alarm. The cacophonous noise attracted the attention of the local police, who promptly arrived on the scene.

“It looks like Randy’s rock-solid commitment to the Old Testament just collided with modern law enforcement,” commented a relieved church member.


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