Local Legalist Pretty Sure He Can Stop Sinning by Labor Day

Brother Jebediah “Jeb”ediah Finch, a pillar of the Tightly-Laced Tabernacle Seventh-day Adventist Church, is feeling optimistic. No, not about the price of avocados (although, that is rough). Jeb is optimistic about his chances of achieving a state of sinless perfection… by Labor Day.

That’s right, folks. Jeb, the man who once accidentally ate a Pop-Tart on a Wednesday (gasp!), believes he can whip himself into spiritual shape in a matter of months. His weapon of choice? A self-made, laminated, and slightly Pero-stained 12-step program titled “Sin-B-Gone! A Practical Guide to Achieving Earthly Sainthood in a Hurry.”

Now, some might call Jeb’s plan… ambitious. Others might call it delusional. But Jeb? Jeb calls it “Tuesday.”

“Look,” Jeb explained, adjusting his suspenders and accidentally knocking over a stack of hymnals (sin #1?), “I’m a goal-oriented guy. If I can climb Mount Marathon with nothing but a granola bar and a tube of denture cream, I can surely conquer the Everest of earthly righteousness.”

Jeb’s 12 steps to sinlessness are, well, unique. They include:

1) Wearing a burlap sack under his clothes for “constant humility.”

2) Only speaking in King James English (because apparently, slang is the gateway drug to profanity).

3) Flossing twice a day with dental floss woven from the fibers of old righteousness tracts (because even oral hygiene can be holy, y’all).

4) Publicly shaming anyone who eats shellfish (because, Leviticus).

5) Building a replica of the Ark of the Covenant in his backyard (because, why not?).

6) Learning to yodel exclusively religious hymns (because apparently, that’s a thing).

7) Sleeping on a bed of nails every other night (because, comfort is the enemy).

8) Replacing all his music with recordings of crickets chirping (because, apparently, anything with a beat is a gateway to the mosh pit of sin).

9) Instituting a mandatory daily game of “Spiritual Jenga” where his family loses a privilege for every sin committed (because, apparently, family fun can be torturous too).

Now, will Jeb’s plan actually work? Well, folks, that’s for time to decide. But one thing’s for sure: Labor Day weekend is gonna be lit at the Finch household. Pass the floss and pray the fire alarm doesn’t go off from all that burlap.


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