Adventist Can’t Lose Weight No Matter How Many Little Debbie’s He Eats

Local Adventist Caleb Johnson just can’t seem to lose those stubborn last 15 pounds no matter how much he eats Adventist-owned Little Debbie snack cakes, sources confirmed today. “I don’t get Read more […]

Gwyneth Paltrow Encourages Ski Accuser To Join Her In Juice Cleanse

After winning a ski crash lawsuit, actress and wellness guru Gwyneth Paltrow is extending an olive branch to her accuser. Paltrow reportedly approached the man and offered to do a juice cleanse Read more […]

Adventist App Shows How Your Body Will Look In Heaven

LOMA LINDA, Calif. — ADVENTBOD, an Adventist startup based on Loma Linda University campus, promises subscribers realistic renderings of how their bodies will look in the sweet bye and bye. Depending Read more […]

Shopping In Masks Leads To Increased Wine Sales in Adventist Hotspots

LOMA LINDA, Calif. — Adventists are reportedly thrilled at being able to buy wine locally, by taking advantage of the acceptability of surgical masks while shopping. A Loma Linda liquor Read more […]

NEWSTART Enthusiast To Start New Life (After Holidays)

ADVENTIST WORLD — Rez Allusion, a middle-aged Pathfinder club director who packed on a few too many over Thanksgiving, has vowed to start faithfully abiding by NEWSTART health principles as Read more […]

Smart Fridge Reports Adventists That Store Banned Products

ADVENTIST WORLD — Adventists around the world have been directed to buy Frigid a new smart fridge that is designed to keep members accountable health-wise. Frigid reports the presence of Read more […]

7 Up Named “Most Adventist Soda”

SILVER SPRING, Md. — For the first in its history, the Adventist Church has endorsed a soda. Today, the denomination named 7 Up as the “Most Seventh-day Adventist Soda,” citing not just its Read more […]

Adventists urged to avoid unequally yoked omelets

ADVENTIST WORLD — Leaders of the Adventist Church are warning members of the perils of eating unequally yoked omelets. “Unequally yoked omelets may look fluffy and delicious at first glance Read more […]

Trump converts to NEWSTART, becomes “YUGE fan of water”

WASHINGTON, D.C. — A recent conversion to Adventist NEWSTART principles led to President Donald Trump’s now-infamous water sipping during a recent speech. Trump had relentlessly mocked Republican Read more […]

Adventists claim Promised Land was flowing with (soy) milk and honey

SILVER SPRING, Md. — Adventist researchers at the Biblical Research Institute (BRI) announced today that the Promised Land to which Moses was leading the Israelites was flowing with “soy milk Read more […]