Gwyneth Paltrow Encourages Ski Accuser To Join Her In Juice Cleanse

After winning a ski crash lawsuit, actress and wellness guru Gwyneth Paltrow is extending an olive branch to her accuser. Paltrow reportedly approached the man and offered to do a juice cleanse Read more […]

Adventist App Shows How Your Body Will Look In Heaven

LOMA LINDA, Calif. — ADVENTBOD, an Adventist startup based on Loma Linda University campus, promises subscribers realistic renderings of how their bodies will look in the sweet bye and bye. Depending Read more […]

Shopping In Masks Leads To Increased Wine Sales in Adventist Hotspots

LOMA LINDA, Calif. — Adventists are reportedly thrilled at being able to buy wine locally, by taking advantage of the acceptability of surgical masks while shopping. A Loma Linda liquor Read more […]

NEWSTART Enthusiast To Start New Life (After Holidays)

ADVENTIST WORLD — Rez Allusion, a middle-aged Pathfinder club director who packed on a few too many over Thanksgiving, has vowed to start faithfully abiding by NEWSTART health principles as Read more […]

Smart Fridge Reports Adventists That Store Banned Products

ADVENTIST WORLD — Adventists around the world have been directed to buy Frigid a new smart fridge that is designed to keep members accountable health-wise. Frigid reports the presence of Read more […]

7 Up Named “Most Adventist Soda”

SILVER SPRING, Md. — For the first in its history, the Adventist Church has endorsed a soda. Today, the denomination named 7 Up as the “Most Seventh-day Adventist Soda,” citing not just its Read more […]

Adventists urged to avoid unequally yoked omelets

ADVENTIST WORLD — Leaders of the Adventist Church are warning members of the perils of eating unequally yoked omelets. “Unequally yoked omelets may look fluffy and delicious at first glance Read more […]

Trump converts to NEWSTART, becomes “YUGE fan of water”

WASHINGTON, D.C. — A recent conversion to Adventist NEWSTART principles led to President Donald Trump’s now-infamous water sipping during a recent speech. Trump had relentlessly mocked Republican Read more […]

Adventists claim Promised Land was flowing with (soy) milk and honey

SILVER SPRING, Md. — Adventist researchers at the Biblical Research Institute (BRI) announced today that the Promised Land to which Moses was leading the Israelites was flowing with “soy milk Read more […]

Turkeys of America urge nation to consider the Adventist health message

USA – Turkeys all over the United States have chosen this Thanksgiving to campaign for what they call the “life or death matter” of the Seventh-day Adventist health message. “We cannot stress Read more […]