Breaking: Facebook Allowed Adventist Mom To Spy On Millennial Son

WASHINGTON, D.C. —- Calls for action against Facebook intensified on Capitol Hill today with the bombshell revelation that an overly-involved Adventist mom has been using the social media platform Read more […]

Adventist At Cana Wedding Feast Wants Jesus To Turn Wine Into Welch’s

Cana, Israel —- While happy Cana wedding guests enjoyed new wine from 6 stone jars, a nervous Adventist looked around the hall for any sign of a Martinelli’s bottle. Not finding any and Read more […]

Ted Wilson Warns Adventists Not To Use Zoom Clap Function For Church

SILVER SPRING, Md. —- This morning, General Conference President Ted Wilson reminded Adventists around the world that clapping in church was not allowed, not even on Zoom. “Some of the Read more […]

Report: COVID-19 Vaccine Ready As Soon As It Can Be Stamped By Mark Of Beast

WASHINGTON D.C. —- Assuring Americans a COVID-19 vaccine would soon be ready, Astral Zenith labs said the vials just needed one final ingredient before going on to save lives: “We want Read more […]

Slacker Church Parking Volunteer Hasn’t Done Job In Months

This guy literally hasn’t done a thing in months. While he used to self-importantly stride around the church parking lot on Sabbath mornings, all he does these days is just smile and wave on Read more […]

Dwight Nelson Takes Over As ‘Jeopardy!’ Host

BERRIEN SPRINGS, Mich. —- Pioneer Memorial Church Senior Pastor Dwight Nelson, confirmed today that he would be taking on a “sideline” as host of ‘Jeopardy!’ Nelson, who will continue Read more […]

Turkeys Urge Americans Not To Travel For Thanksgiving

  UNITED STATES —— Turkeys across the United States have warned Americans of the extreme dangers of traveling for Thanksgiving this year. “Don’t risk your health or that of your family Read more […]

Biden Calls For Forgiveness Of Southern Adventist University Student Fine Debt

WASHINGTON, D.C. – US President-Elect Joe Biden has called for immediate congressional action to cancel “crippling Southern Adventist University fine debt.” The politician said that “no Read more […]