Congregation Sure Pastor Just Adlibbed Entire Sermon

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Members of Windy Road SDA silently took to texting each other 35 minutes into their pastor’s sermon this Sabbath as it became painfully clear that he hadn’t done an ounce of prep for his remarks.

Pastor Bert Longway kicked things off with a completely unnecessary 15-minute elaboration on the church announcements which, in addition to being explicitly spelled-out in the bulletin, had already been covered in painful depth by the first elder who had spent ages hyping the upcoming choir fundraiser he’d organized.

Next, Longway launched into a superfluous round of thanks for the opportunity to preach, doing random shoutouts to a handful of VIP church members for the “chance to share what’s been on my heart for so long.”

Twenty minutes later the congregation was no wiser as to what exactly it was the pastor had on his heart as, instead of introducing any new material, he gave a “quick” synopsis of the meandering 15-part series on the State of the Dead that everyone – every week – wished was over already.

This roundup was followed by a fabulously disconnected recitation of Longway’s favorite memory verses on topics ranging from ceremonial cleanliness to bewildering passages from the minor prophets.

As more and more of the congregation decided it was time for a bathroom break/early potluck, Longway tried to buy time with a totally contextless mention of the “patience of the saints” before letting everyone know he was next going to read a few entries from the Adventist Encyclopedia.


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