The General Conference has gone on a hiring spree and is forming 13 new “essential” departments. Here they are!
- Commission on Adventist Beard Grooming: Regulating the length and style of beards worn by Adventist men to ensure they are well-groomed and look like the Adventist pioneers.
- Department of Proper Hymn Pronunciation – responsible for educating Adventists on the correct pronunciation of hymn lyrics, because mispronouncing a word could lead to doctrinal error.
- Department of Synchronized Offering Plate Passing – dedicated to coordinating the passing of the offering plate across all Adventist churches at the exact same time, because synchronicity is the key to financial success.
- Department of “Adventist-only” Internet – responsible for creating an Adventist-only internet that filters out all non-Adventist content, because the world is a dangerous place and Adventists should only be exposed to approved content.
- Committee on Haystacks and Health: Ensuring that all haystacks served at church functions are made with the healthiest ingredients and are not overly indulgent.
- Department of Uniform Tie Length – tasked with ensuring that all Adventist pastors and administrators wear their ties at the exact same length, because the length of your tie is directly correlated to your level of spirituality.
- Department of Adventist Time Management: Helping Adventists manage their time efficiently, with a special focus on allocating enough time for Sabbath rest and worship.
- Bureau of Adventist Media Monitoring: Monitoring all Adventist media outlets to ensure they are promoting the correct message and that there is no inappropriate content/actual reporting being shared.
- Bureau of Church Potluck Oversight: Responsible for overseeing all church potlucks to ensure they are conducted in an orderly and efficient manner and that no one brings unauthorized dishes like real chicken.
- Department of Adventist Holidays – dedicated to creating new Adventist holidays to replace all secular holidays, because the world’s holidays are tainted with sin.
- Department of Adventist Fashion – responsible for determining which clothing items are appropriate for Adventists. Rule of thumb: the longer and looser the better.
- Department of Adventist Memes: Responsible for monitoring and approving all Adventist-themed memes and ensuring that they are in line with denominational values and beliefs and are not funny.
- Office of Ted Wilson Approval: Allowing only activities, sermons, and conferences that have been approved by GC President Ted Wilson to take place in Adventist churches and institutions. Admittedly, this department basically already existed.