ANCIENT MESOPOTAMIA – Earlier today — just as Noah and his family members were about to put what they assumed were the final touches on the construction of the ark — they were visited by a stern-faced General Conference Compliance Committee delegation. Wielding clipboards and rulers, the GC officials meticulously inspected the ark, their brows furrowed with concentration.
With a series of dramatic gestures and a flurry of red tape, the committee declared that the project could not proceed without proper GC permits, safety precautions, and adherence to an array of Maranatha church building regulations. The team added that a GC-approved color scheme was mandatory and would need to be voted at the coming Annual Council.
The compliance team insisted on additional ventilation for the foul-smelling sections of the ark, citing first-hand experience with under-ventilated GC restrooms.
The delegation also demanded various animal safety features, such as miniature life jackets for the insects and personalized floaties for the fish. They even insisted on an onboard veggie café, complete with ambrosia and Roma fake coffee.
To the extreme frustration of Noah and family, the compliance committee’s involvement led to a projected extension of 100 years to the ark’s construction timeline given the tools at their disposal.
And Noah was sure he’d already felt a raindrop or two.