SILVER SPRING, Md. — Despite the unfortunate fact King Charles III was crowned on Sabbath, General Conference leaders breathed a collective sigh of relief to have a male on the British throne again.
“Having a female as UK monarch for so long was not great for our efforts to keep ordination male-only,” read an internal GC memo. “And it didn’t help that she was as popular as Sabbath haystacks.”
The memo encouraged GC staffers to celebrate the long-awaited return of male dominance by organizing a special event called “The Great Patriarchal Gala.” Attendees were instructed to don their most regal attire and sing the following brand new additions to the hymnal:
“Throne of Patriarchs”
“In His Image, Men Shall Lead”
“Kingdom Reign: Men’s Divine Campaign”
“Harmony of Hierarchy”
In response, a group of progressive Adventists held a “Gender Equality Tea Party” outside the General Conference headquarters. Attendees sipped tea from cups with messages including “EqualiTEA”, “Dethroning Patriarchy” and “Ellen was female.”
You’ve had your fix of satire. Now head over to Adventist Today for current events updates, analysis and opinion on all things Adventist.