GC Relieved Male is Back on Throne

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SILVER SPRING, Md. — Despite the unfortunate fact King Charles III was crowned on Sabbath, General Conference leaders breathed a collective sigh of relief to have a male on the British throne again.

“Having a female as UK monarch for so long was not great for our efforts to keep ordination male-only,” read an internal GC memo. “And it didn’t help that she was as popular as Sabbath haystacks.”

The memo encouraged GC staffers to celebrate the long-awaited return of male dominance by organizing a special event called “The Great Patriarchal Gala.” Attendees were instructed to don their most regal attire and sing the following brand new additions to the hymnal:

“Throne of Patriarchs”

“Majestic Masculinity”

“In His Image, Men Shall Lead”

“Kingdom Reign: Men’s Divine Campaign”


“Harmony of Hierarchy”

In response, a group of progressive Adventists held a “Gender Equality Tea Party” outside the General Conference headquarters. Attendees sipped tea from cups with messages including “EqualiTEA”, “Dethroning Patriarchy” and “Ellen was female.” 



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