SILVER SPRING, Md. — Despite the unfortunate fact King Charles III was crowned on Sabbath, General Conference leaders breathed a collective sigh of relief to have a male on the British throne again.
“Having a female as UK monarch for so long was not great for our efforts to keep ordination male-only,” read an internal GC memo. “And it didn’t help that she was as popular as Sabbath haystacks.”
The memo encouraged GC staffers to celebrate the long-awaited return of male dominance by organizing a special event called “The Great Patriarchal Gala.” Attendees were instructed to don their most regal attire and sing the following brand new additions to the hymnal:
“Throne of Patriarchs”
“In His Image, Men Shall Lead”
“Kingdom Reign: Men’s Divine Campaign”
“Harmony of Hierarchy”
In response, a group of progressive Adventists held a “Gender Equality Tea Party” outside the General Conference headquarters. Attendees sipped tea from cups with messages including “EqualiTEA”, “Dethroning Patriarchy” and “Ellen was female.”