Republicans Vow Not To Pick Speaker Until Adventists Ordain Women

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Despite the growing chaos surrounding Congressional Republicans’ failure to pick a Speaker of the House, representatives have flat out refused to make their selection before Read more […]

Women’s Ordination Debate Generates Enough Heat to Replace Fossil Fuels

ADVENTIST WORLD — Skyrocketing gas and oil prices are forcing people to look at alternative sources of energy to heat their homes. Energy researchers say Adventists are incredibly fortunate Read more […]

North German Union Votes To Reignite Penpal Relationship With GC

HANNOVER, Germany – On April 25, members of the North German Union Executive Committee voted to rekindle what, quite frankly, had been a sputtering penpal relationship with the General Conference. Delegates Read more […]

GC Session Won’t Feature Seating For Women’s Ordination Fans

Due to what General Conference Session organizers termed “post-COVID space considerations” the upcoming meetings will not feature seating or yellow vote cards for supporters of women’s Read more […]

GC: Sarah Thomas Commissioned, Not Ordained To Officiate Super Bowl

SILVER SPRING, Md. – This morning the General Conference addressed the status of Sarah Thomas, the first female to officiate the Super Bowl. “While we acknowledge that Thomas made history Read more […]

GC Executive Committee Letter Of Warning To Biden Over Female VP Commitment

Dear Vice President Biden, We got the news that you are planning on choosing a female running mate. This letter is our warning to you that you are heading down a slippery slope by Read more […]

No News Is Good News: It’s Been A While Since Women’s Ordination Has Been In Adventist News So It’s Safe To Assume It’s All Been Solved By Now

Over the last few months, nobody’s been saying much about women’s ordination. We’re guessing that’s because we Adventists have officially worked the whole thing out. Who knew we had it in us Read more […]

Supreme Court Backs Protection For Female Pastors

WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a 6-3 decision, the US Supreme Court has ruled that discriminating against pastors for being female “is as counterproductive as it is backward.” Any church that bases Read more […]

Inclusivity Win: GC Exec Ordains Woman As Secretary

SILVER SPRING, Md. — In an absolute first for the General Conference, a woman has been ordained in the building. Vice President For Anachronisms, Gammal Gubbe, performed the ordination in Read more […]