Immaculata Springs, Md. — Known for his knack for criticism and a perpetually disapproving countenance, Bartholomew Scornwell, head deacon of Guiltius Way Adventist Church, has taken it upon himself to label everyone he dislikes a Jesuit.
One instance that fueled Scornwell’s suspicion occurred during a Sabbath potluck when a quiet and pious grandmother accidentally dropped a spoon, causing a clatter that echoed throughout the fellowship hall. Startled, Scornwell decided the Jesuits were plotting within the church and saw the noise as a secret signal used by the supposed infiltrators to communicate. From that moment onward, nothing the elderly woman did escaped Scornwell’s suspecting gaze.
Another incident involved a tech-savvy young adult leading out in the worship team. As the congregation sang hymns with fervor, the young adult’s phone emitted a loud notification sound, momentarily disrupting the flow of things. Observing this, Scornwell immediately jumped to the conclusion that Jesuit spies were using modern technology to disrupt the worship service, cementing his belief that the young adult must be part of the alleged conspiracy.
Despite the best attempts of the senior pastor and other influential members of the congregation, Scornwell refuses to listen to reason, accusing anyone that pushes back on his ideas of “being in on the whole thing.”
The congregation is currently fundraising to send Scornwell on a study tour of the Vatican so he can see how actual Jesuits behave.
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