Monday, June 23, 2025

Catholics

GC Warns First American Pope to Move Super Bowl Sunday to Saturday so Adventists Can’t Watch

The General Conference has warned that Pope Leo XIV, the first American pope, is allegedly plotting to shift Super Bowl Sunday to Saturday as a direct attack on Sabbath-keeping...

Survey: Most Adventists Don’t Actually Know What They Believe (But They’re Sure Everyone Else is Wrong)

A recent survey conducted among Adventists has revealed a surprising trend: many members of the faith aren't entirely sure about what they believe. Despite...

Grumpy Deacon Labels Everyone He Dislikes a Jesuit

Immaculata Springs, Md. — Known for his knack for criticism and a perpetually disapproving countenance, Bartholomew Scornwell, head deacon of Guiltius Way Adventist Church,...

Vatican Charging Adventists $666 For Tourist Visa

Vatican City --- Adventists hoping to visit the Vatican are being charged a new "Theological Reciprocity Visa" fee costing $666. The fee allows Adventists free...

Awkward Silence As Vatican Way Adventist Church Collects $666 In Offering

HOLY SMOKES, Tenn. --- Silence fell over the accounting team at Vatican Way SDA Church this Sabbath morning as the team completed the counting...

Adventist Risk Management Bankrupt After Notre Dame Submits Fire Damage Claim

SILVER SPRING, Md. ---  Adventist Risk Management has filed for bankruptcy after what it called an "apocalyptically-devastating insurance claim" filed by the Notre Dame...

Vatican to canonize Ellen White

VATICAN, Rome --- Vatican officials have revealed plans to canonize Ellen G. White, the prolific writer and co-founder of the Seventh-day Adventist Church. The surprising...

GC asks Adventists to stop drinking Roma as it sounds “too Catholic”

SILVER SPRING, Md. --- The General Conference of Seventh-day Adventists is asking members to stop drinking the coffee substitute Roma as the products name...

Pope sends Doug Batchelor a Christmas card saying “all is forgiven”

ROSEVILE, Calif. --- An unexpected Christmas card from Pope Francis was delivered to veteran Adventist evangelist Doug Batchelor today. After wishing Batchelor a Merry...

Pope visits General Conference to congratulate leaders on keeping ordination male-only

SILVER SPRING, Md. --- On the morning of the first full day of his visit to the United States, Pope Francis paid a surprising...

Pope invites Doug Batchelor for peace talks

VATICAN --- In an intriguing move by the Vatican, Pope Francis has invited veteran Adventist evangelist and staunch papal critic Doug Batchelor to Rome...