New Fundamental – Raffle No Longer Gambling if Called ‘Opportunity Draw’

“Brethren, after much prayer, we have instituted a new fundamental belief: ‘Raffles Are No Longer Gambling if You Call Them “Opportunity Draws,'” announced Ufe Mista, the General Conference Director Read more […]

Survey: Most Adventists Don’t Actually Know What They Believe (But They’re Sure Everyone Else is Wrong)

A recent survey conducted among Adventists has revealed a surprising trend: many members of the faith aren’t entirely sure about what they believe. Despite this uncertainty, they remain steadfastly Read more […]

Local Church Discovers Love is More Important Than Actually Knowing Stuff About the Bible

BREAKING NEWS: In a groundbreaking theological discovery, a local Adventist church has unveiled a revolutionary approach to faith: ditch the doctrine, embrace the feels! Yes, you read that Read more […]

Potluck Miraculously Solves Adventist Differences

SLURP, Mich. — In a groundbreaking study conducted by the Institute of Adventist Quirks and Quibbles (IAQQ), researchers have found that the vast majority of theological and lifestyle disagreements Read more […]

Major Donors Confirm It’s Time For New Fundamental Belief

SILVER SPRING, Md. — Major donors to the General Conference have let their appointees know it’s high time they came up with new material for the Adventist creed collection. “It’s been a Read more […]

Marie Kondo to GC: Which Fundamental Beliefs “Spark Joy?”

SILVER SPRING, Md. — In a presentation to overwhelmed General Conference leaders this morning, Japanese organization consultant, Marie Kondo, urged the group to declutter their approach to faith. “Holding Read more […]

New Member Can’t Find Where Jesus Lays Out 28 Fundamentals

STOCKHOLM, Sweden – New member Anna Borttappad opened her Bible this morning, looking to brush up on doctrine. After the flurry of scripture hopping she’d gone through during her baptismal Read more […]

Fundamental Beliefs Back Down To 27 Due To Budget Cuts

SILVER SPRING, Md. — Adventist leaders have decided to condense the steadily-growing number of denominational fundamental beliefs to 27 in response to a push to slash budgets. “We realize Read more […]

Literalist Men’s Retreat Ends With Everyone’s Eyes Plucked Out

The “Blind Faith” Men’s Retreat ended today with an entirely eye-less crowd of men trying to find their way out of an auditorium. Speakers at the retreat had advocated a stridently literal Read more […]