SILVER SPRING, MD – In response to growing concerns about the influence of LGBT+ individuals within the Adventist Church, the General Conference has announced the formation of a new task force aimed at ensuring that these members are treated with love and respect, as long as they don’t act on their orientation.
The task force, which will be called the “Love and Respect for Non-Practicing LGBT+ People Task Force”, is being led by a group of highly qualified individuals, including Elder Ted, Elder Wilson, and Elder Ted Wilson.
“Of course, the GC has always been known for its love of rules, regulations, and guidelines. So it’s no surprise that they want all Adventists to agree with what they say the Bible says about LGBTQ lifestyles. And what better way to ensure that than by forming a task force composed by aging straight people?” commented Adventist blogger Dish Fallowshipt.
The task force has been given the mandate to produce materials that will help LGBT+ members live a celibate life. “We’ll be producing pamphlets, booklets, and even a musical that will help our LGBT+ members to remain chaste,” said GC spokesperson Spikto Dahand. “The task force is forging ahead with its mission. They’ve already started work on a new campaign called “Just Say No to Gay,” which will include billboards, TV commercials, and even a catchy jingle.”
Rumors are also swirling that the task force is considering a new dress code for LGBT+ members, which will require them to wear only neutral colors and avoid anything that might be considered flamboyant.
In other news, the GC has announced that it will not be stopping at human sexuality. In due course a Task Force on Proper Sock Color Coordination and a Task Force on Whether to Eat Cheese on Your Veggie Burger will also be deployed.