GC Commemorates Waco By Reminding Members Not To Question Its Authority

Silver Spring, MD – In commemoration of the 30th anniversary of the Waco tragedy, the General Conference of Seventh-day Adventists has issued a statement urging members not to question its authority. “The Read more […]

The Complete Guide to Adventist Extremists

Every Adventist congregation has at least one member that is super hardcore in some way. In the spirit of spotting and understanding such crusaders, here’s a handy guide to the most common Adventist Read more […]

Report: COVID-19 Vaccine Ready As Soon As It Can Be Stamped By Mark Of Beast

WASHINGTON D.C. —- Assuring Americans a COVID-19 vaccine would soon be ready, Astral Zenith labs said the vials just needed one final ingredient before going on to save lives: “We want Read more […]

FAITHFUL: Local Adventist Labels Every CDC Recommendation A Religious Liberty Denial

ADVENTIST WORLD — Local Adventist Bill Miller has spent the last several months on social media in a bold crusade against the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. Regardless of what Read more […]

Nashville Residents Just Happy To Be Alive

NASHVILLE, Tenn. — As the clock struck midnight, a van full of residents of Nashville wearily began the drive back to their entirely undamaged city on July 19, happy to greet another day by Read more […]

Low Blow: Judgy Deacon Says He’ll “Pray For You”

Adventist World — Bad news: known for being a thoroughly judgy dude, your local head deacon has just told you that he is going to “pray for you.” It is abundantly clear that this is the purest Read more […]

GC challenges One Project leaders to prove Adventism by reciting Pathfinder Pledge & Law from memory

SILVER SPRING, Md. — General Conference administrators have issued a strongly-worded statement challenging One Project leaders to prove their Adventist identities by flawlessly reciting the Read more […]

Car with 666 license plate towed from church parking lot

Glendale, Calif. — This week’s Sabbath service at Chevy Chases Adventist Church was interrupted repeatedly with calls for “the owner of a white Honda with 666 plates” to remove the vehicle from Read more […]