Things That Scare Adventists
There are a few things that push the Adventist fear button HARD. Here are a few: Date setting It started with the Millerites and their Great Disappointment. Since then, Adventists have been Read more […]
Category: Adventist paranoia
Report: COVID-19 Vaccine Ready As Soon As It Can Be Stamped By Mark Of Beast
WASHINGTON D.C. —- Assuring Americans a COVID-19 vaccine would soon be ready, Astral Zenith labs said the vials just needed one final ingredient before going on to save lives: “We want Read more […]
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FAITHFUL: Local Adventist Labels Every CDC Recommendation A Religious Liberty Denial
ADVENTIST WORLD — Local Adventist Bill Miller has spent the last several months on social media in a bold crusade against the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. Regardless of what Read more […]
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Nashville Residents Just Happy To Be Alive
NASHVILLE, Tenn. — As the clock struck midnight, a van full of residents of Nashville wearily began the drive back to their entirely undamaged city on July 19, happy to greet another day by Read more […]
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Low Blow: Judgy Deacon Says He’ll “Pray For You”
Adventist World — Bad news: known for being a thoroughly judgy dude, your local head deacon has just told you that he is going to “pray for you.” It is abundantly clear that this is the purest Read more […]
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GC challenges One Project leaders to prove Adventism by reciting Pathfinder Pledge & Law from memory
SILVER SPRING, Md. — General Conference administrators have issued a strongly-worded statement challenging One Project leaders to prove their Adventist identities by flawlessly reciting the Read more […]
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Adventist sniffer dogs detect Illuminati
ADVENTIST WORLD — Adventist-trained sniffer dogs trained to detect members of the Illuminati are trotting down the hallways of denominational institutions in hot pursuit of bad guys. The Read more […]
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Car with 666 license plate towed from church parking lot
Glendale, Calif. — This week’s Sabbath service at Chevy Chases Adventist Church was interrupted repeatedly with calls for “the owner of a white Honda with 666 plates” to remove the vehicle from Read more […]
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GC sorting union presidents into naughty or nice lists
SILVER SPRING, Md. — Third floor General Conference offices are abuzz with activity this December as administrators sort the names of union presidents from around the world into “naughty” or Read more […]
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GC declares Adventist martial law to enforce unity
SILVER SPRING, Md. — In a bid to ensure unity within the Church worldwide, the General Conference has declared Adventist Martial Law. “As of this moment all of Adventism will resemble the Read more […]
