Prophecy
BarelyAdventist’s Predictions for 2025
It’s 2025, and we already know what’s coming for Adventism. Don’t say we didn’t warn you.
- January 15 - GC implements new "Tithe Transparency Initiative", publishing list of non-offering...
Prophecy
Adventist Claims to Be “Above Politics” While Posting 47 Political Memes During Sabbath Hours
Local church member Bradley Thompson declared himself "completely above worldly political matters" last Sabbath while simultaneously sharing dozens of political memes between sunset Friday...
Prophecy
Conspiracy Theorist Claims Illuminati Created Oreos to Undermine Adventist Health Message
Sawtooth, Tenn. - Conspiracy theorist and self-proclaimed health message expert Soy Lent claims to have uncovered a secret plot by the Illuminati to undermine...
Prophecy
Liberal Adventist Pastor Declares Investigative Judgment ‘Too Judgmental’
Pastor Woke Feelgood of the Progressive Pines Adventist Church has declared the long-standing Adventist doctrine of the Investigative Judgment to be "too judgmental" and...
Prophecy
Evangelist Shocked to Discover Bible Contains Books Other Than Daniel and Revelation
Local Adventist evangelist Pastor Jim Prophecy was reportedly left in a state of disbelief yesterday after accidentally opening his Bible to the book of...
Evangelism
Summer Evangelism Series Rebranded as ‘Prophecy and Popsicles’ to Boost Attendance
In an attempt to combat dwindling attendance at their annual summer evangelism series, the Cooler Springs Seventh-day Adventist Church has taken a bold new...
End Times
Signs Your Church Has an Apocalypse Obsession
1. The sermon illustrations use more beasts from Revelation than stories about Jesus.
2. Instead of a children's story, the kids get a “little horn”...
Prophecy
Evangelist Renews Annual Promise of Jesus’ Return Before Christmas
Local Preacher Brother Bartholomew Brightside has once again captured headlines with his bold pronouncement that Jesus Christ will be returning to Earth before Christmas....
Prophecy
Amazing Facts Posts Job Opening for Beast Illustrator
GRANITE BAY, Calif. — Television and internet ministry Amazing Facts is looking to hire an illustrator that can draw “Marvel-Studios-scary beasts.”
The ministry said it...
Biden
GC No Longer Asking Biden For Babylon Evacuation Assistance
SILVER SPRING, Md. — After an all-day emergency meeting of the GC Executive Committee, members voted overwhelmingly to withdraw an evacuation request recently filed...
Adventist Culture
Amy Coney Barrett Confirmed As Fodder For Future Prophecy Seminars
WASHINGTON, D.C. --- Hours ago, the US Senate confirmed Judge Amy Coney Barrett to the Supreme Court in a victory for Adventist prophecy seminars...