Wednesday, April 23, 2025

Prophecy

BarelyAdventist’s Predictions for 2025

It’s 2025, and we already know what’s coming for Adventism. Don’t say we didn’t warn you. - January 15 - GC implements new "Tithe Transparency Initiative", publishing list of non-offering...

Adventist Claims to Be “Above Politics” While Posting 47 Political Memes During Sabbath Hours

Local church member Bradley Thompson declared himself "completely above worldly political matters" last Sabbath while simultaneously sharing dozens of political memes between sunset Friday...

Conspiracy Theorist Claims Illuminati Created Oreos to Undermine Adventist Health Message

Sawtooth, Tenn. - Conspiracy theorist and self-proclaimed health message expert Soy Lent claims to have uncovered a secret plot by the Illuminati to undermine...

Liberal Adventist Pastor Declares Investigative Judgment ‘Too Judgmental’

Pastor Woke Feelgood of the Progressive Pines Adventist Church has declared the long-standing Adventist doctrine of the Investigative Judgment to be "too judgmental" and...

Evangelist Shocked to Discover Bible Contains Books Other Than Daniel and Revelation

Local Adventist evangelist Pastor Jim Prophecy was reportedly left in a state of disbelief yesterday after accidentally opening his Bible to the book of...

Summer Evangelism Series Rebranded as ‘Prophecy and Popsicles’ to Boost Attendance

In an attempt to combat dwindling attendance at their annual summer evangelism series, the Cooler Springs Seventh-day Adventist Church has taken a bold new...

Signs Your Church Has an Apocalypse Obsession

1. The sermon illustrations use more beasts from Revelation than stories about Jesus. 2. Instead of a children's story, the kids get a “little horn”...

Evangelist Renews Annual Promise of Jesus’ Return Before Christmas

Local Preacher Brother Bartholomew Brightside has once again captured headlines with his bold pronouncement that Jesus Christ will be returning to Earth before Christmas....

Amazing Facts Posts Job Opening for Beast Illustrator

GRANITE BAY, Calif. — Television and internet ministry Amazing Facts is looking to hire an illustrator that can draw “Marvel-Studios-scary beasts.” The ministry said it...

GC No Longer Asking Biden For Babylon Evacuation Assistance

SILVER SPRING, Md. — After an all-day emergency meeting of the GC Executive Committee, members voted overwhelmingly to withdraw an evacuation request recently filed...

Amy Coney Barrett Confirmed As Fodder For Future Prophecy Seminars

WASHINGTON, D.C. --- Hours ago, the US Senate confirmed Judge Amy Coney Barrett to the Supreme Court in a victory for Adventist prophecy seminars...