Signs Your Church Has an Apocalypse Obsession

1. The sermon illustrations use more beasts from Revelation than stories about Jesus. 2. Instead of a children’s story, the kids get a “little horn” craft. 3. You start seeing symbolic Read more […]

Evangelist Renews Annual Promise of Jesus’ Return Before Christmas

Local Preacher Brother Bartholomew Brightside has once again captured headlines with his bold pronouncement that Jesus Christ will be returning to Earth before Christmas. However, this year’s prediction Read more […]

GC No Longer Asking Biden For Babylon Evacuation Assistance

SILVER SPRING, Md. — After an all-day emergency meeting of the GC Executive Committee, members voted overwhelmingly to withdraw an evacuation request recently filed with the Biden administration. Soon Read more […]

Amy Coney Barrett Confirmed As Fodder For Future Prophecy Seminars

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Hours ago, the US Senate confirmed Judge Amy Coney Barrett to the Supreme Court in a victory for Adventist prophecy seminars everywhere. The 48-year-old Roman Catholic Read more […]

Nebuchadnezzar Statue Next In Line For Toppling

ROME, Italy — The Statue Preservation Association released a statement today announcing an imminent threat to another statue. “This time the statue slated for toppling doesn’t depict a Read more […]

Nashville Residents Just Happy To Be Alive

NASHVILLE, Tenn. — As the clock struck midnight, a van full of residents of Nashville wearily began the drive back to their entirely undamaged city on July 19, happy to greet another day by Read more […]

Takeaway From Distracted Evangelistic Campaign Attendee: Miller Lites Were Greatly Disappointing In 1844

Image credit: MobiusDaXter – File:Kenworth United Beverage HTS-30D pic5.jpg RIVERSIDE, Calif. — Interviewed immediately after attending an Adventist online evangelistic campaign from his living Read more […]

Loma Linda Boot Camp Makes You Run Like It’s The Time Of Trouble

  LOMA LINDA, Calif. — Inland Empire residents looking to get in shape for the new year need look no further than a Loma Linda University boot camp that forces participants to run like Read more […]