Southern Launching End Times-Themed Tough Mudder Called “Run for the Hills”

COLLEGEDALE, Tenn. — Southern Adventist University is set to launch an exhilarating new event designed to test the mettle of even the most devout Adventists: the “Run for the Hills” Tough Mudder. Read more […]

Signs Your Church Has an Apocalypse Obsession

1. The sermon illustrations use more beasts from Revelation than stories about Jesus. 2. Instead of a children’s story, the kids get a “little horn” craft. 3. You start seeing symbolic Read more […]

Adventist Town Gripped by Sunday Law Fears as Local Bakery Announces Sunday Closure

Hopeville, SDA – In news that has sent shivers down the spines of even the most seasoned doomsayers, Hopeville’s beloved “Heavenly Pastries” bakery announced its doors will be closed this coming Read more […]

End Times Sermon Interrupted by Member Asking if Potluck is Still On

Pastor Bartholomew Thompson’s sermon on the impending apocalypse took a dramatic nosedive this Sabbath, thanks to an unexpected inquiry from the congregation. As Thompson weaved a tapestry of biblical Read more […]

GC Recommends Extra Long Skirts for Maximum Modesty During Time of Trouble

SILVER SPRING, Md. — The General Conference sent out an urgent announcement today reminding members of the need for “maximum modesty throughout the Time of Trouble.” In a press release Read more […]

OpenAI CEO Sam Altman Predicts ChatGPT Will Declare Sunday Law

Adventists around the globe are feeling a chill run down their spines after OpenAI CEO Sam Altman expressed his apprehensions during a recent Senate hearing about ChatGPT declaring Sunday Law. Altman Read more […]

Adventists flee to wilderness with trailer of FriChik, forget can opener

BITTERROOT MOUNTAINS, Mont. — A band of Adventists that fled to the Bitterroots range of the Rockies with a giant haul of FriChik has, upon arrival, learned that they forgot to bring a can opener. Read more […]

Slide Show: What kind of Adventist are you?

Not many people outside of the denomination realize that Adventists come in all flavors and types. We’re rainbow sherbet, not just raspberry sorbet (and yes, maybe we were a little hungry as we wrote this.) But no matter where you fall on the spectrum, everybody is welcome! (Note: There are sure to be more types than the ones presented here. Feel free to suggest more in the comments section.)

Saturday Law declared in Collegedale, Tenn.

COLLEGEDALE, Tenn. — The Board of Commissioners for the City of Collegedale, Tenn. has passed a city-wide policy requiring all business and places of work to cease operations from Friday to Saturday Read more […]