BITTERROOT MOUNTAINS, Mont. — A band of Adventists that fled to the Bitterroots range of the Rockies with a giant haul of FriChik has, upon arrival, learned that they forgot to bring a can opener.
The group of disgruntled Adventists decided to flee the city of Billings, Mont. after what leader, Frank Lee Alharmist, had described as “a few too many disastrous GC San Antonio votes that proved beyond a shadow of a doubt that this is the end.”
Not relishing the thought of living off the land until it was strictly necessary, the group of Adventists had counted on the trailer of FriChik “for all necessary physical sustenance.” Unfortunately, enthusiasm for the relocation to the mountains had taken the place of a logistics review and, despite formidable supplies of FriChik and frantic top-to-bottom trailer searches, not one can opener appeared to have made the trip.
Over a shaky cell connection with potential recruits, Alharmist admitted that the lack of a way to access FriChik can contents had dealt the group “a bit of a setback” and that he and his quickly fading crew were down to their last bag of trail mix after a solid 13 hours of wilderness living.
As the trail mix represented their last stash of accessible food and no one in the group cared to hazard a guess as to which mountain berries were safe for human consumption, Alharmist phoned friends and family saying that he and his companions were willing to have a “second look” at the offending GC policies voted into effect recently.
“We may have gotten a little ahead of ourselves,” admitted Alharmist, double-checking his trailer hitch as he turned around his van full of hungry escapees. “I’m pretty sure there’s a Denny’s a couple hours back.”
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