Biden “Committing 100%” to Adventist NEWSTART Program in Prep for Next Debate

US President Joe Biden has reportedly embraced the Seventh-day Adventist NEWSTART health program to prepare for his next debate. Following his recent debate performance that left Democrats concerned, Read more […]

Southern Launching End Times-Themed Tough Mudder Called “Run for the Hills”

COLLEGEDALE, Tenn. — Southern Adventist University is set to launch an exhilarating new event designed to test the mettle of even the most devout Adventists: the “Run for the Hills” Tough Mudder. Read more […]

Entire Congregation Has Beasts of Revelation Nightmares After Fiery End Times Sermon

A fiery End Times sermon left an entire congregation grappling with vivid nightmares of apocalyptic proportions this weekend. Pastor Elijah Hartsfield, known for his calm demeanor and thoughtful Read more […]

Signs Your Church Has an Apocalypse Obsession

1. The sermon illustrations use more beasts from Revelation than stories about Jesus. 2. Instead of a children’s story, the kids get a “little horn” craft. 3. You start seeing symbolic Read more […]

LA Adventist Preps Escape to Hollywood Hills for Time of Trouble

Harold Pendergast III, a prominent Los Angeles-based oral surgeon has announced to his local Adventist congregation that he isn’t just waiting around for the Time of Trouble: he is finalizing Read more […]

GC Recommends Extra Long Skirts for Maximum Modesty During Time of Trouble

SILVER SPRING, Md. — The General Conference sent out an urgent announcement today reminding members of the need for “maximum modesty throughout the Time of Trouble.” In a press release Read more […]

Trump Claims US is Going to Hell, Adventists Respond: ‘We Told You So’

In a recent speech, former President Donald Trump claimed that the US is “going to hell”, sparking a wave of responses from Adventists who believe that this is exactly what they have been predicting Read more […]

Walking Dead writers confess to lifting plot twists from End Times-themed Sabbath School Quarterly

HOLLYWOOD, Calif. — Writers for hit post-apocalyptic television series The Walking Dead have confessed to devouring this quarter’s Adventist Sabbath School Lesson on the End Times in search Read more […]