GC UNVEILS “Innovative” Plan to Spread 3 Angels’ Message Via Fax

SILVER SPRING, MD — In a move hailed as groundbreaking by those nostalgic for the 1980s, the General Conference has unveiled its latest strategy to spread the Three Angels’ Message: fax machines. “While Read more […]

Evangelist Doesn’t Know Single Name of 1,000 He Baptized in Campaign

At last month’s evangelistic campaign, veteran evangelist Elder Thundersalot baptized an astounding 1,000 new converts into the Adventist church over the course of just three weeks of meetings. Read more […]

GC Announces Plans to Distribute 1 Billion 28 Fundamentals VHS Tapes Globally

In a move that left members speechless, the GC unveiled a bold new initiative this morning: “Operation Saturation: 28 Fundamentals on a Billion Tapes!” Yes, you read that right. A billion. VHS tapes. Apparently, Read more […]

It Is Written: Cat Videos Are the Future of Evangelism

Hold onto your catnip, Adventist internet, because It Is Written is about to get lit… with the power of fluffy paws! In a bold move to revamp their outreach strategy, the ministry has unveiled Read more […]

Baptism Embargo In Place Until Next Crusade

Organizers of a conference-wide evangelistic campaign taking place next summer have announced a year-long “Baptism Embargo” until the big event. The embargo, they claim, is essential to ensure a Read more […]

Billion-Copy Great Controversy Distribution Now Happening Via Email Due to Soaring Printing Costs

SILVER SPRING, Md. — Change of plans: ballooning inflation has meant that the printing of the billion Great Controversy copies that were supposed to be distributed across the globe, has been scrapped Read more […]

COVID: Pastor Fired for Promoting “Contagious Faith”

COLD SNAP, Mich. — Pastor Des Tibbitts of Cold Snap SDA is out of a job after preaching a sermon on “Contagious Faith” to a dumbfounded congregation last Sabbath. Eyewitnesses from last Read more […]

GC “I Will Go” Slogan Changed to “I Will Zoom”

SILVER SRING, Md. — In anticipation of a sparsely-attended General Conference Session this summer, church leadership has changed its I Will Go strategic plan slogan to something more feasible: Read more […]

Mass Evangelism Venue Comes With Revolving Door

Greesei, Md. – At no extra cost, Soul Catchenreleese Stadium is offering fully-greased revolving doors for the latest GC-sponsored mass evangelism event. Stadium management guarantees Read more […]