In a move that left members speechless, the GC unveiled a bold new initiative this morning: “Operation Saturation: 28 Fundamentals on a Billion Tapes!” Yes, you read that right. A billion. VHS tapes.
Apparently, the internet, streaming services, and even the humble PDF are just too darned “newfangled” to do the job. Instead we’re heading back to the golden age of rewinding with a pencil and begging Mom to stop using the phone.
“We believe this tried-and-true technology will reach a whole new generation,” chirped a GC spokesperson, his smile strained and eyes slightly manic. “Imagine the excitement! Curling up by the flickering glow of the TV with a bowl of lukewarm popcorn, captivated by the dulcet tones of…” checks smudged notes “…Pastor Whoever-This-Is explaining the Three Angels’ Messages.”
The announcement has been met with a chorus of bewildered coughs and the sound of members frantically googling “VHS player repair.” Environmentalists are having kittens over the sheer plastic mountain this crusade will create. Missionaries are already strategizing creative uses for unwanted tapes, like roof tiles in typhoon-prone regions.
Meanwhile, a black market for vintage VCRs is rumored to be springing up on the dark web. Insiders speculate that enterprising individuals might even repackage the tapes as “retro home workout videos” – featuring a particularly enthusiastic performance of “Lift Up the Trumpet.”
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