Altar Call Length Doubled To Make Up For Time Lost During COVID

SILVER SPRING, Md. – The General Conference Office of Quality Assurance has announced that, as churches start to open up for in-person services, altar call will need to be twice as long. “COVID Read more […]

Ethiopian Eunuch’s Rebaptism Required After Church Finds Out He Hadn’t Studied 28 Fundamentals

MIDDLE EAST — Fresh off a deeply meaningful baptism performed by Philip the Evangelist, the Ethiopian eunuch received news today that he would need to be rebaptized as he had not done a thorough Read more […]

Adventist congregation hurls newly-baptized member into deep end of pool

Sacramento, Calif. — Members of Stricten Narrow Adventist Church did not even let new convert Waz Hapnin change out of his dripping baptismal robe before they collectively grabbed him. Hapnin, Read more […]

Adventist evangelist resorts to drive-by baptisms

SEATTLE, Wash. — Adventist evangelist Duncan Good has reported a record number of baptisms this year. He credits uncoventional, out-of-the-box thinking and an abundance of roadside puddles Read more […]

Adventist evangelists ordered to stop using revolving doors to boost baptismal tallies

SILVER SPRING, Md. — In a push to retain new members, the Adventist Church has ordered its evangelists to stop using revolving doors in campaigns held around the world. While prized the Read more […]