Altar Call Length Doubled To Make Up For Time Lost During COVID

SILVER SPRING, Md. – The General Conference Office of Quality Assurance has announced that, as churches start to open up for in-person services, altar call will need to be twice as long. “COVID Read more […]

Ethiopian Eunuch’s Rebaptism Required After Church Finds Out He Hadn’t Studied 28 Fundamentals

MIDDLE EAST — Fresh off a deeply meaningful baptism performed by Philip the Evangelist, the Ethiopian eunuch received news today that he would need to be rebaptized as he had not done a thorough Read more […]

Adventist evangelists ordered to stop using revolving doors to boost baptismal tallies

SILVER SPRING, Md. — In a push to retain new members, the Adventist Church has ordered its evangelists to stop using revolving doors in campaigns held around the world. While prized the Read more […]

Visitor to Adventist Church calls 911 to report guy drowning people

HUNTSVILLE, Ala. — Police stormed a Seventh-day Adventist Church this morning after reports that a man was drowning people in a tank. The 911 call came from Primera Ves, a newcomer to Still Read more […]