Monday, June 23, 2025

Baptism

Pastor Accused of Rushing Through Baptism in Freezing River

Pastor Randall Pitts of the Boise Westview Seventh-day Adventist Church is under fire this week after several church members accused him of recklessly rushing through a baptism ceremony in...

Pastor Disciplined for Holding Baptismal Candidates Underwater Too Long

Pastor Jeb was known for his long-winded baptismal services at the Dry Gulch Adventist Church. Whenever he baptized someone, Jeb liked to add his...

Baptism Embargo In Place Until Next Crusade

Organizers of a conference-wide evangelistic campaign taking place next summer have announced a year-long "Baptism Embargo" until the big event. The embargo, they claim,...

Sub-3-Hour Marathon Added To Baptismal Requirements

Those wishing to be baptized anytime after next Sabbath had better commit to a serious training regimen because the requirements of baptismal candidates are...

PhD Now Required for Baptism

SILVER SPRING, Md. — The Biblical Research Institute has announced that all future Adventists baptisms will require successful candidates to earn a PhD in...

Snopes Fact Checks GC Baptismal Numbers

SILVER SPRING, Md. — Fact-checking website Snopes is investigating baptismal numbers released by the General Conference after flagging them for what the site calls...

GC: La Sierra-Based Baptisms Require Redo Elsewhere

RIVERSIDE, Calif. — A flood of rebaptisms is expected to hit Southern California after a GC edict released earlier today requiring anyone baptized on...

Picture This: 11 Adventist Buzzkills

Joy can be found in many things, in many places. These are not those things. These are not those places.

Altar Call Length Doubled To Make Up For Time Lost During COVID

SILVER SPRING, Md. - The General Conference Office of Quality Assurance has announced that, as churches start to open up for in-person services, altar...

Ethiopian Eunuch’s Rebaptism Required After Church Finds Out He Hadn’t Studied 28 Fundamentals

MIDDLE EAST --- Fresh off a deeply meaningful baptism performed by Philip the Evangelist, the Ethiopian eunuch received news today that he would need...

SWAT team frees trapped Adventists from altar call

ATRAPADO, Fla. --- Minutes ago, 250 souls were freed from Atrapado Lane Adventist Church by a SWAT team. The rescue mission took place after...