SILVER SPRING, Md. – The General Conference Office of Quality Assurance has announced that, as churches start to open up for in-person services, altar call will need to be twice as long. “COVID Read more […]
MIDDLE EAST — Fresh off a deeply meaningful baptism performed by Philip the Evangelist, the Ethiopian eunuch received news today that he would need to be rebaptized as he had not done a thorough Read more […]
ATRAPADO, Fla. — Minutes ago, 250 souls were freed from Atrapado Lane Adventist Church by a SWAT team. The rescue mission took place after news that a visiting preacher’s altar call had Read more […]
Sacramento, Calif. — Members of Stricten Narrow Adventist Church did not even let new convert Waz Hapnin change out of his dripping baptismal robe before they collectively grabbed him. Hapnin, Read more […]
SILVER SPRING, Md. — Claiming that Sabbath morning church services are starting to resemble a mass slumber party, Adventist church leadership announced formal punishments for repeat church nappers: Read more […]
SEATTLE, Wash. — Adventist evangelist Duncan Good has reported a record number of baptisms this year. He credits uncoventional, out-of-the-box thinking and an abundance of roadside puddles Read more […]
SILVER SPRING, Md. — In a push to retain new members, the Adventist Church has ordered its evangelists to stop using revolving doors in campaigns held around the world. While prized the Read more […]
HUNTSVILLE, Ala. — Police stormed a Seventh-day Adventist Church this morning after reports that a man was drowning people in a tank. The 911 call came from Primera Ves, a newcomer to Still Read more […]
SILVER SPRING, Md. — Seventh-day Adventist baptismal vows have been updated to reflect what church leaders are calling “undeniable cultural realities.” In addition to the usual list of mostly Read more […]
NEW YORK, N.Y. — In a rare policy speech this morning, presumptive Republican nominee Donald Trump vowed to stop the Seventh-day Adventist Church from outsourcing its baptisms to countries outside Read more […]
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