Baptism Embargo In Place Until Next Crusade

Organizers of a conference-wide evangelistic campaign taking place next summer have announced a year-long “Baptism Embargo” until the big event. The embargo, they claim, is essential to ensure a Read more […]

Sub-3-Hour Marathon Added To Baptismal Requirements

Those wishing to be baptized anytime after next Sabbath had better commit to a serious training regimen because the requirements of baptismal candidates are about to get exponentially harder. “Anyone Read more […]

Snopes Fact Checks GC Baptismal Numbers

SILVER SPRING, Md. — Fact-checking website Snopes is investigating baptismal numbers released by the General Conference after flagging them for what the site calls “suspiciously evangelistic Read more […]

GC: La Sierra-Based Baptisms Require Redo Elsewhere

RIVERSIDE, Calif. — A flood of rebaptisms is expected to hit Southern California after a GC edict released earlier today requiring anyone baptized on or near the La Sierra University campus, Read more […]

Altar Call Length Doubled To Make Up For Time Lost During COVID

SILVER SPRING, Md. – The General Conference Office of Quality Assurance has announced that, as churches start to open up for in-person services, altar call will need to be twice as long. “COVID Read more […]

Ethiopian Eunuch’s Rebaptism Required After Church Finds Out He Hadn’t Studied 28 Fundamentals

MIDDLE EAST — Fresh off a deeply meaningful baptism performed by Philip the Evangelist, the Ethiopian eunuch received news today that he would need to be rebaptized as he had not done a thorough Read more […]

SWAT team frees trapped Adventists from altar call

ATRAPADO, Fla. — Minutes ago, 250 souls were freed from Atrapado Lane Adventist Church by a SWAT team. The rescue mission took place after news that a visiting preacher’s altar call had Read more […]

Adventist congregation hurls newly-baptized member into deep end of pool

Sacramento, Calif. — Members of Stricten Narrow Adventist Church did not even let new convert Waz Hapnin change out of his dripping baptismal robe before they collectively grabbed him. Hapnin, Read more […]