Pastor Accused of Rushing Through Baptism in Freezing River

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Pastor Randall Pitts of the Boise Westview Seventh-day Adventist Church is under fire this week after several church members accused him of recklessly rushing through a baptism ceremony in the local river last Sabbath.

Multiple witness reports claim that Pastor Pitts blazed through the baptismal vows and full-body submersion for 94-year-old candidate Joyce Freisler in under 15 seconds and spending even less time on five other younger baptismal candidates.

“I felt like a teabag dunked on express!” sputtered Freisler, still bundled in three layers despite the ceremony being three days ago. “Bless his heart, but Pastor Pitts barely gave me time to confess my love for the Lord before I was underwater!”

Apparently, the scene wasn’t much calmer for other attendees, who described it as “total baptism by ice bucket challenge.” When questioned by BarelyAdventist, Pastor Pitts, ever the resourceful shepherd, defended his unconventional technique by citing a clause in the Adventist Minister’s Handbook most parishioners had never heard of.

“When you are in a freezing river, every second counts,” said Pitts. “Our handbook specifically recommends keeping baptismal vows nice and zippy in extreme temperatures to avoid cases of severe pneumonia or even death by icicle.”



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