GC: La Sierra-Based Baptisms Require Redo Elsewhere

RIVERSIDE, Calif. — A flood of rebaptisms is expected to hit Southern California after a GC edict released earlier today requiring anyone baptized on or near the La Sierra University campus, Read more […]

Apple: Even Adam & Eve Loved Our Products

CUPERTINO, Calif. — A team of Old Testament scholars recently hired by Apple have uncovered what they call “unmistakable evidence the first humans loved Apple products.” The previously unemployed Read more […]

Loma Linda Blood Test Determines If Couples Are Equally Yoked

BREAKING NEWS LOMA LINDA, Calif. — An interdisciplinary team of researchers at Loma Linda University announced today that they have perfected a blood test that can tell, without a shadow Read more […]

Cracked iPhone screens revealed to be the result of The Fall

BERRIEN SPRINGS, Mich. — Old Testament scholars at the Andrews University-based Seventh-day Adventist Theological Seminary have confirmed that cracked iPhone screens are a direct result of The Read more […]

Adventist Church to stock Noah’s Ark replica with every living beast for floating zoo

SILVER SPRING, Md. — The Adventist Church has announced plans to fill a full-scale Noah’s Ark replica with “every living beast” for a floating zoo theme park. The already-built ark replica Read more […]

Adventist Risk Management hawks Home Alone booby traps as Time of Trouble protection

SILVER SPRING, Md. — Adventist Risk Management has launched a major advertising campaign to drive sales of what a press release calls “Home Alone-style booby traps to enhance the safety of Adventists Read more […]