Heaven Confirms Christmas Was Awful This Year
HEAVEN – A statement released this morning from Heaven’s media relations office confirmed what many have suspected the last few days: this was an awful Christmas. “The world was ravaged by Read more […]
Category: Christmas
GC Rushes Out Policy On Regifting
SILVER SPRING, Md. — Church officials from around the world rushed to Silver Spring yesterday after senior denominational leadership realized there was one remaining aspect of Adventist living Read more […]
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Congregation Deaf After Thunderous “Silent Night” Rendition
CELEBRATION, Calif. — Nobody at Joyful Shout SDA can hear a thing a full 24 hours after a Christmas concert at the church that ended with an ear-splitting performance of Silent Night by a Read more […]
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Santa Sick Of Adventists Telling Kids He’s Not Real
NORTH POLE: Santa Claus spent today fuming about Adventist efforts to persuade kids he doesn’t exist. “It’s hard enough to deliver presents with COVID complicating everything,” Santa Read more […]
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La Sierra Religion Professor Blasts Santa as “Works-Obsessed Gifter”
RIVERSIDE, Calif. — A La Sierra University religion professor has denounced Santa Clause as a complete legalist after reviewing the North Pole resident’s criteria for giving gifts. Dr. Sola Read more […]
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GC Christmas Decorations Consist Entirely Of Red Tape
SILVER SPRING, Md. — The General Conference building has joined the festive season by decorating each floor with an impressive amount of red tape. Feeling the tithe parity Read more […]
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3ABN airs Home Alone
WEST FRANKFORT, Ill. — Three Angels Broadcasting Network is showing Christmas classic Home Alone on Christmas Day this year. The movie is about 8-year-old Kevin McCallister (Macaulay Culkin), Read more […]
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Adventists banned from telling kids about Santa because he “levitates”
SILVER SPRING, Md. — A Christmas Day email blast from the General Conference headquarters of the Adventist Church has instructed world divisions to demand that members refrain from telling their Read more […]
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Seventh-day Adventist Church endorses “perfectly-numbered” iPhone 7
SILVER SPRING, Md. — In the first Apple product endorsement in Seventh-day Adventist history, church leaders released a statement today extolling the virtues of the “perfectly numbered” iPhone Read more […]
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Adventist Risk Management hawks Home Alone booby traps as Time of Trouble protection
SILVER SPRING, Md. — Adventist Risk Management has launched a major advertising campaign to drive sales of what a press release calls “Home Alone-style booby traps to enhance the safety of Adventists Read more […]
