Heaven Confirms Christmas Was Awful This Year

HEAVEN – A statement released this morning from Heaven’s media relations office confirmed what many have suspected the last few days: this was an awful Christmas. “The world was ravaged by Read more […]

Congregation Deaf After Thunderous “Silent Night” Rendition

CELEBRATION, Calif. — Nobody at Joyful Shout SDA can hear a thing a full 24 hours after a Christmas concert at the church that ended with an ear-splitting performance of Silent Night by a Read more […]

Santa Sick Of Adventists Telling Kids He’s Not Real

NORTH POLE: Santa Claus spent today fuming about Adventist efforts to persuade kids he doesn’t exist. “It’s hard enough to deliver presents with COVID complicating everything,” Santa Read more […]

La Sierra Religion Professor Blasts Santa as “Works-Obsessed Gifter”

RIVERSIDE, Calif. — A La Sierra University religion professor has denounced Santa Clause as a complete legalist after reviewing the North Pole resident’s criteria for giving gifts. Dr. Sola Read more […]

GC Christmas Decorations Consist Entirely Of Red Tape

    SILVER SPRING, Md. — The General Conference building has joined the festive season by decorating each floor with an impressive amount of red tape. Feeling the tithe parity Read more […]

Adventists banned from telling kids about Santa because he “levitates”

SILVER SPRING, Md. — A Christmas Day email blast from the General Conference headquarters of the Adventist Church has instructed world divisions to demand that members refrain from telling their Read more […]

Seventh-day Adventist Church endorses “perfectly-numbered” iPhone 7

SILVER SPRING, Md. — In the first Apple product endorsement in Seventh-day Adventist history, church leaders released a statement today extolling the virtues of the “perfectly numbered” iPhone Read more […]

Adventist Risk Management hawks Home Alone booby traps as Time of Trouble protection

SILVER SPRING, Md. — Adventist Risk Management has launched a major advertising campaign to drive sales of what a press release calls “Home Alone-style booby traps to enhance the safety of Adventists Read more […]