Monday, June 23, 2025

Haystacks

SCANDAL: Researcher Discovers EGW Favored Doritos Over Fritos In Haystacks

SILVER SPRING, Md. —— General Conference senior leadership rushed into an emergency meeting this morning after a researcher at the White Estate forwarded a memo claiming “irrefutable evidence Ellen...

Picture This: 11 Adventist Buzzkills

Joy can be found in many things, in many places. These are not those things. These are not those places.

Trump Eating Nothing But Haystacks To Boost Coronavirus Resistance

WASHINGTON, D.C. --- Reporters at today's White House press briefing were notified that President Donald Trump has taken to exclusively eating haystacks to boost...

Trump promises to slash price of haystacks guac/salsa in half with US-Mexico trade deal

WASHINGTON, D.C. --- President Donald Trump hailed an "incredible" new trade deal with Mexico today and surprised Adventists, in particular, by saying that the...

FDA recommends haystacks as “most balanced meal in America” (OBG)

SILVER SPRING, Md. --- The US Food and Drug Administration (FDA) has rolled out a new set of recommendations for healthy eating. At the...

Merriam-Webster’s defines “haystacks” as “Adventist crack”

SPRINGFIELD, Mass. --- In a soon-to-be-published new edition, Merriam-Webster's dictionary has listed an additional definition for the term "haystacks." In addition to it being the...

Report: Thorn in Paul’s flesh revealed to be haystacks addiction

  SILVER SPRING, Md. --- Members of the General Conference-based Biblical Research Institute claim to have cleared up a mystery that has confused biblical scholars...

Trump to ban haystacks for being Mexican

Say goodbye. NEW YORK, N.Y. --- President Donald Trump sent a tweet this morning that horrified Seventh-day Adventists across the nation: "Sorry @RealBenCarson, your church's...

Adventist Wendy’s Exec brings back haystacks to menu

DUBLIN, Ohio --- Haystacks are back at Wendy's thanks to the courageous actions of an Adventist product executive at the chain's head office. Noah Nanas,...

Adventist church to increase permissible number of haystack toppings to 29

SILVER SPRING, Md. --- After years of painful study, deliberation and taste-testing, Seventh-day Adventist leaders have decided to increase the already hotly-debated number of...

Report: Adventist inbreeding results in genetic weakness for haystacks

LOMA LINDA, Calif. --- Researchers at Loma Linda University's School of Public Health have detected a genetic weakness in multigenerational Adventists that renders them...