Ellen White
SCANDAL: Researcher Discovers EGW Favored Doritos Over Fritos In Haystacks
SILVER SPRING, Md. —— General Conference senior leadership rushed into an emergency meeting this morning after a researcher at the White Estate forwarded a memo claiming “irrefutable evidence Ellen...
Adventist Culture
Picture This: 11 Adventist Buzzkills
Joy can be found in many things, in many places.
These are not those things. These are not those places.
Coronavirus
Trump Eating Nothing But Haystacks To Boost Coronavirus Resistance
WASHINGTON, D.C. --- Reporters at today's White House press briefing were notified that President Donald Trump has taken to exclusively eating haystacks to boost...
Haystacks
Trump promises to slash price of haystacks guac/salsa in half with US-Mexico trade deal
WASHINGTON, D.C. --- President Donald Trump hailed an "incredible" new trade deal with Mexico today and surprised Adventists, in particular, by saying that the...
Adventist Culture
FDA recommends haystacks as “most balanced meal in America” (OBG)
SILVER SPRING, Md. --- The US Food and Drug Administration (FDA) has rolled out a new set of recommendations for healthy eating. At the...
Haystacks
Merriam-Webster’s defines “haystacks” as “Adventist crack”
SPRINGFIELD, Mass. --- In a soon-to-be-published new edition, Merriam-Webster's dictionary has listed an additional definition for the term "haystacks."
In addition to it being the...
Haystacks
Report: Thorn in Paul’s flesh revealed to be haystacks addiction
SILVER SPRING, Md. --- Members of the General Conference-based Biblical Research Institute claim to have cleared up a mystery that has confused biblical scholars...
Donald Trump
Trump to ban haystacks for being Mexican
Say goodbye.
NEW YORK, N.Y. --- President Donald Trump sent a tweet this morning that horrified Seventh-day Adventists across the nation: "Sorry @RealBenCarson, your church's...
Haystacks
Adventist Wendy’s Exec brings back haystacks to menu
DUBLIN, Ohio --- Haystacks are back at Wendy's thanks to the courageous actions of an Adventist product executive at the chain's head office.
Noah Nanas,...
Fundamental Beliefs
Adventist church to increase permissible number of haystack toppings to 29
SILVER SPRING, Md. --- After years of painful study, deliberation and taste-testing, Seventh-day Adventist leaders have decided to increase the already hotly-debated number of...
Adventist Parents
Report: Adventist inbreeding results in genetic weakness for haystacks
LOMA LINDA, Calif. --- Researchers at Loma Linda University's School of Public Health have detected a genetic weakness in multigenerational Adventists that renders them...